Let me tell you a story about a guy I know. It’s not me… it’s just a guy… you know…that I know. He thinks he might be getting… you know… a little bit of OMB’s. He always figured the OMB’s would hold off until he was… you know… older… like maybe in his sixties. He might even give in and say it would be okay in his fifties. But not his forties… you know, he’s only forty-three… you know… this guy… that I know. Sure he’ll turn forty-four in September, but that’s only forty-four years young. They’re far from full-fledged OMB’s. They’re just starting to be OMB’s. Let’s call them early-onset OMB’s. They’re OMB’s that are just starting to hang a little lower than they used to. They’re nothing like eighty-year-old OMB’s. Not that he’s ever really seen eighty-year-old OMB’s, but he’s no dummy. I… uhhh… I mean… uh… he… has a pretty clear vision of what eighty-year-old OMB’s probably look like.
This recent discovery hasn’t affected him in any noticeable or significant way, other than a slight downgrade to his personal self-image and psyche. He just happened to notice his OMB’s in the mirror the other day. He had stepped out of the shower and was drying off and you know, the hot water had already caused them to hang down a little farther than usual. He said to himself “yeah dude, you need to start working out again… you’re looking a little soft in the middle… and man, you’re starting to get OMB’s.” He looked closer and they seemed to be just kind of hanging there, sort of sad-looking, like a set of old, overused punching bags that had long ago lost their elasticity. He had visions of the punching bags in the inner-city Philadelphia boxing gym from the 1970’s Rocky film… just hanging there with their Everlast logo worn off.
It’s a tough day in a middle-aged guy’s life when he notices he’s starting to get OMB’s. There are certainly many other signs of aging that a guy has to deal with. First a few brown spots and wrinkles all over his skin, then his metabolism slows down and each year his weight starts to inch up. Perhaps his fabulous coif of hair thins out a bit, but at the very least a few gray hairs start to appear. That’s all okay. Lots of guys have the benefit of “aging gracefully.” The gray hair looks distinguished. The slight paunch can be disguised under a nicely pressed Oxford dress shirt. The wrinkles on his face give that touch of rugged handsomeness. But then one day he looks in the mirror and sees OMB’s… those dreaded OMB’s. It’s an indisputable sign that the aging process is now in full swing and that the momentum in the epic battle between man and the overwhelming power of age and gravity is starting to shift. He thought it would hold off. He thought that those somewhat regular trips to the gym and a healthy diet would keep the balance on his side. He thought that he was ageless and invincible.
This guy… you know… the guy… that I know… you know? So he gets out of the shower and he notices he’s starting to get OMB’s… he briefly considers switching from boxers to briefs. But in reality he figures its all down hill from here. Then he remembers the squirrel…
... you know, the squirrel.
… and he looks in the mirror and says, “I don’t give a fuck about OMB’s. I’m still a fucking stud and I’d stand in the desert and let someone take a goddamn picture of me and my OMB’s… just like the squirrel did…
… cause squirrels know what the fuck it’s all about.”
… and then he sang this song.
Do your balls hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you throw them over your shoulder,
Like a continental soldier?
Do your balls hang low?
I’ll bet that kick-ass squirrel sang that before he got his picture taken!
The Brown Road Chronicles 
How enlightening. From a female perspective, let me say that’s it’s reassuring to know that gravity does not discriminate on the basis of gender.
Also, may I suggest a disclaimer on this post, something like: “Caution, this blog contains pornographic squirrel images.”
Haha… squirrel porn, the next great scourge of our society. I’ll have Tipper Gore after me!
gravity does not discriminate on the basis of gender – LUV IT!!!
Team Oyeniyi gravity definitely does not discriminate I am mid forties and saggy balls are quite a problem especially in these summer months
Wouldn’t you know it – there are cosmetic surgeons in Beverly Hills who will perform a fix-em-up procedure!
I’ll leave ANY cosmetic surgery to the residents of Beverly Hills!
Just be careful where you sit. http://thebilgebucket.wordpress.com/2011/05/26/salaen-and-the-rooster/
YIKES… poor Roger! More importantly… poor Salean. That’s a great story. Glad to hear he got his equipment free. I’ve never worn a laplap, definitely won’t try it now
What? No pic? How am I supposed to empathize with your…er, uh..friend… if I can’t see the problem? I mean, the squirell is cool and all that. But lets face it….he’s a squirell. He’ll probably just bury those nuts for winter.
lol!! I was wondering what kind of laugh-out-loud comments this post would generate. This one was good!!
I gotta say, until I got to the picture, I did not know what you were talking about. I thought you meant old man boobs. Which is another (possibly more visible, depending on your lifestyle) hazard of aging, I believe.
Spectra’s comment made my face crack into a smile.
Yes Peg, Moobs are a serious problem as well and much harder to hide. No need to worry though, I have pecs of steel 🙂
Omigosh! I’m with pegoleg. This is not something we read about in the ladies magazines. I had no idea what you were talking about until I saw the squirrel! Good to know you guys have some issues of your own. Alas, they are generally hidden. 😉
Don’t be too concerned Renee, its not a very serious condition! I just kept waiting for an oppotunity to use that squirrel picture in one of my posts!!
I’m glad you left the pic off…LOL I do what your friend means though…I will be 42 in Nov…pretty close to him!
42? Yeah you know the drill!
Holy Hell! Hands down, the best post of the day…I think I just wet my pants. You know, I’m totally stealing “OMB”. “Hey honey, did ya ever think about doing anything with your OMB’S?” 😉
Hahahahaha I’m sure your husband will be thrilled that I taught you that expression! I don’t know where it came from, my Dad says it all the time. Maybe he made it up!
im so pleased i read more as i nearly was going to ask what ombs were hmm then i got wise lol enlightening read men do get things in stages like women then i hope i dont get trks then il be devestated very funny but good to know just in case im in for a shock one day xxjen
Are you in a hot climate? Heat also makes the testicles move away from the body – i.e. downwards. Just a thought…….
Team Oyeniyi: the women I meet must live in hot climates because my testicles don’t seem to get anywhere near their bodies. hee hee!
As my great uncle used to say, “Use what Mother Nature gives you, before Father Time takes it away.”
note: I had to think about what “OMBs” was, so I’m still okay probably for a few more years.
I had to do the same thinking, so my husband must be OK too!
That is a good quote and sage advice!
Heehee…. baaaaaaalls.
No giggling Emily, this is a very serious condition! 🙂
I can’t stop giggling. Very mature, I know, but the whole time I was reading I was thinking, “Surely he’s not talking about what I think he’s talking about.” Then the squirrel, the lovely image of man in squirrel’s place, and Emily’s comment…giggling. Thanks for the laugh. I mean, thank your friend for the laugh.
Hey, you know me, I’m all for immature!!!!
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Ha! Because of the search term I thought OMB stood for Old Man Boobs until the very end. Goodness I feel blonde! : ) SO funny!!!
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BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This is awesome! How perfect. Can I tell you that I never knew this was a problem for men until that grandpa GIF and your post??? Well, glad to hear we are not the only ones to suffer from…gravity! 🙂