Monthly Archives: June 2011

Dear Men with Bone Crushing Handshakes

June 20, 2011

Dear Men with Bone-Crushing Handshakes:

I am writing as the representative of Men with Girly-Man-Hands.  Let me begin by saying it is our pleasure to meet you.  We understand that you are manly-men.  We understand that you are men of heft and substance, of testosterone filled confidence.  We understand that you think that a solid and firm handshake makes lesser men like ourselves believe that you are entrepreneurial and successful.  We understand that you probably played football or some other manly sport as a youth and you are still grieving the fact that you did not receive a college scholarship.

We can see that you understand this as well. We can see by the way that you lean very far forward into the handshake and invade our personal space.  We can see by the way that you cock your elbow back like you are John Wayne, about to draw a pistol from its holster, then you fire your hand towards us and lean in and wait for us to put our fragile little girly-man-hands out so you can crush the shit out of them.

As the representative of Men with Girly-Man-Hands, I am asking you to please be more considerate, however, of certain men, including myself, whose hands are not made of solid granite.  Although we may look manly, our hands may appear to be regular man-size and we may play the part with our fine clothes and our five o’ clock shadow, please be aware that our hands perhaps have a softer infrastructure than yours.  When you shake our hands and you can hear cracking sounds because our bones are snapping into little pieces, please understand that we are no longer thinking of you as being entrepreneurial and successful.  Rather, at that moment, as you release our hands and our arms fall down like the legs on a rubber chicken, we are mostly just thinking that you are a complete douchebag and we wish you would go away. I am aware this is difficult for someone of your intellectual might to understand and therefore I will give you some time to digest this information before following up.

In closing, although your football coach probably told you to shake hands with the same force that you used to crush the opposing players into the earth, I will respectfully tell you that football coaches don’t know everything.  In fact, most of the men whom you will introduce yourself to in your lifetime didn’t ever play organized football.  Some of the men, like myself, instead played the cello which I understand is not the manliest of instruments, but at least it was not the flute.  I will also respectfully ask that when you are shaking our girly-man-hands in a less crushing fashion, please refrain from leaning forward into our personal space and breathing all over us and showing us the chest hairs bulging out of your shirt.  It is unbecoming and unnecessary.

Thank you Men with Bone Crushing Handshakes for your time and consideration.  I hope we can come to a cordial agreement on this pressing issue. I will follow up with you shortly to address any questions or concerns you might have.  Please look for that follow up via e-mail, rather than in person as I would prefer not to have to shake your hand.

Best regards,

Steve

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My house smiled at me today…

My house smiled at me today. I didn’t actually see her smile, but I know she did. We’ve just had her painted, and I know that she feels good when we take care of her. Her old bare and peeling soffits and trim and window frames and siding are tightly sealed up, caulked and primed and painted. Her wooden sections all match once again, the old and the new, the worn and the fresh, all the same cream color, subtly contrasting with her century old brick façade. A shiny new coat of green paint covers both of her outside doors, a splash of color worn like a spring scarf. Her roof is new as of last fall, the upside of an aggressive hail storm that ripped through our area, and resulted in a rash of insurance claims and a windfall of business to the local roofing contractors.

I stood in front of her today and I told her she looked beautiful and she smiled at me. I didn’t actually see her smile, but I know she did. She smiled because she now knows and trusts me as her caretaker of the last sixteen years. She smiled because she now knows that I have been willing to put my own blood and sweat and money into keeping her solid and beautiful. She smiled because she knows me now as she has known all of her caretakers before me, likely dozens of men and women and even children who have cared enough about her to keep her structurally strong and vibrant and standing proudly for over 120 years. She smiled at me because I told her she looked beautiful.

I do believe that I am her caretaker. Yes, she is the house that protects us from the elements. Yes, she is the place where my family has made sixteen years worth of incredible memories. Yes, she is the only home my two children have ever known and likely will know until they move out on their own. Yes, she is the place where my family has shared smiles and tears, hugs and fights, ups and downs. Yes, she is the place where we have celebrated the miracle of babies born and mourned the deaths of those who have left us. Yes, she is the place where birthdays and anniversaries and holidays have been celebrated. Yes, she is the place that has made us feel content and warm and safe for sixteen years and hopefully many more decades to come.

Yes, she is all of those things and for that I consider myself immensely blessed. But she is also so much more. She is a piece of history that harkens back to the days before automobiles and electricity and indoor plumbing were prevalent. She is a reminder of where we came from, a time when houses were built on the backs of strong men with a meager assortment of hand tools, yet possessing incredible craftsmanship skills. She is a reminder of a time when rural living and one room schoolhouses and fresh food and hard work reigned supreme. She is our personal museum and I am her caretaker and I take that responsibility seriously.

My house smiled at me today. I didn’t actually see her smile, but I know she did. Someday, she will have a new caretaker, and a new one after that and on and on and on. For now though, I am her caretaker and I will continue to do my part to make sure she is still standing proudly for many more wonderful years to come. If I am lucky, down the road, when my wife and I are old and gray and feeble, we will still be able to stand in front of her and tell her that she looks beautiful. I hope that she smiles at us then as well… and perhaps even says “thank you.”

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The Therapist

DOC:  Hello Steve, go ahead and have a seat on that red couch there… so, what brings you to my office today?

ME:  Well, you see Doc… I’m not funny anymore.

DOC:  Excuse me? You’re not funny anymore?

ME:  Yes, I used to be really funny… you see, I write a blog… it’s called Brown Road Chronicles… have you read it?

DOC:  No, I’m sorry I have not read it… in any case, keep going… tell me why you don’t think you’re funny anymore.

ME:  Yeah, okay… well my blog used to be knee-slapping funny… no, it was even funnier than that… it was piss-your-pants funny… and I could crank out post after post, day after day… just totally funny shit.

DOC:  And now?

ME:  Now… I got nothin’.  My goats don’t even make me laugh anymore.

DOC:  Uhhh… your goats?

ME:  Yeah, I have a couple of goats… but that’s a whole separate session.

DOC:  Okay… well, do you have any thoughts on why you are not able to be funny anymore?

ME:  I don’t know… maybe it’s just hard to be funny all the time… to make people laugh.  I think sometimes being an adult just gets in the way.

DOC:  Yes, I’m sure it can be difficult.  Funny comes from deep down inside you, from the core of your life experiences.  We just need to dig deep into your psyche and find the roots of your funniness. I’d like to hypnotize you and bring you back to your childhood and see if we can uncover some of those roots.

ME:  Sure… whatever works Doc.

DOC:  Okay, I want you to just lay back on the couch and relax, close your eyes and just breath… nice deep breaths… feel the air going in and out… you’re feeling very relaxed… breathe… nice deep breaths… very relaxed… now I am going to count backwards from 10 and you will fall into a deep sleep… 10… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… good… now you are in a deep sleep… you are back to your childhood, I want you to think of some things that you found funny… tell me about where you are?

ME:  I am in my garage… at one of the first houses we lived in Michigan… I’m young, like early elementary school years.

DOC:  And what are you doing in the garage?

ME:  My older brothers and a friend are recording farts on one of those old cassette tape recorders.  They start the tape by saying, “now you may listen to our collection of farts.”  Every time one of them has to fart they push down the record button and let it rip.  Then every once in a while they’ll play back the whole tape… you know… to see how it’s all coming together… it’s totally hilarious… I have tears in my eyes from laughing so much.

DOC:  Excellent, excellent… yes, very good… farts are funny… that’s very good Steve.  Let’s try to find something else… can you look forward a few more years?

ME:  Okay, now I’m in Pennsylvania, in a grocery store with my grandmother and my two brothers and my cousin… were visiting our relatives… I’m probably in about 3rd grade or so.  Us four boys, we’re in the baking aisle… and we find a bottle that says “Pure Anise Extract” on it.  Of course, we think it says “anus extract”.  We’re laughing our fucking asses off… rolling around the aisle, like hooligans… we keep repeating it… “pure anus extract… pure anus extract” and howling with laughter… it’s totally freakin’ funny…

DOC:  That is very funny… then what happens?

ME:  Then my grandmother comes around the corner and figures out what we are laughing at… she was fucking pissed… she goes ballistic on us… chewed our asses out… right in the middle of the god damn grocery store… that was funny shit though… we still talk about that story as adults.

DOC:  Excellent… very good Steve… now let’s go to your middle school years… anything funny there?

Me:  Yeah…  I’m standing in the kitchen at our house on Long Island, with two of my close friends.  One of them dares the other guy to eat a spoonful of flour… you know… a harmless prank amongst friends… we didn’t have any idea what would happen.

DOC:  Okay… that’s very good… pranks are always good fun… so what happened?

ME:  Well, he puts this gigantic spoonful of flour in his mouth, not like a little teaspoon, but a big soup spoon full… you know how dry that shit is… then he can barely swallow it… mix in a little saliva and it’s turning to cement right in his mouth… we’re like freakin’ out thinking this poor guy is gonna choke to death… he’s like gagging and choking… it was freakin’ hilarious!

DOC:  Did everything turn out okay?

ME:  Yeah, he eventually got it all down…

DOC:  I’m glad to hear that… okay, very good Steve… now, let’s look forward a little more at your high school years.

ME:  Yeah… okay… it’s late on a Summer night… I’m hanging out with my brothers and some friends and we’re drinking some beers.  A few weeks earlier, one of the older guys had stolen this five foot plastic palm tree from an outdoor, tropical themed bar they sometimes hung out at… so now we’re all wasted, and one of us decides we should take the tree and plant it in one of our buddies front yards… we grab a shovel and sneak over there in the dark, dig a hole in their yard and plant this plastic palm tree… right dead center in their front yard… hilarious!

DOC:  I’m not sure vandalism is that funny Steve… so what happened?

ME:  Turns out they didn’t think it was that funny either.

DOC:  Yes, I can imagine… but that’s very good Steve… good, funny memories… finally, how about during your college age years, anything come to mind there…

ME:  Oh man… where do I start?  Okay… I’m sitting outside in my back yard at my house… same house on Long Island… my parents threw this big party every summer… we called it The Hootenanny… we’d sit around all day eating and drinking and playing guitars and singing, swimming in the pool, playing basketball… tons of people would come, friends, family, everybody we knew.

DOC:  Okay, that’s very good… but tell me the funny part…

ME:  Well after most of the guests are gone, the hardcore partiers… you know, all the college aged guys and girls would sit around drinking… and smoking cigars… and then someone decides to light a fart… have you ever lit a fart?

DOC:  Ahhh… fascinating… farts seem to be a recurring theme here… that’s very good Steve.  But uhhh… no, I’m sorry I can’t say that I have ever lit a fart… I’m sure that is quite entertaining however!

ME:  Yeah, it’s freakin’ hilarious… you should try it some time.  It helps when everybody’s really drunk too… so we’re sitting around talking and lighting farts… imagine, you’re sitting in a circle having a drunken conversation with friends and every so often someone lights up a fart… chicks sometimes too… POOF… hilarious… freakin’ hilarious!

DOC:  That is very funny Steve… excellent work… you’ve done very well today… now, what I am going to do is… I am going to count down from ten again… and you will slowly come out of your sleep… 10… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… wake up now Steve.

ME:  Whoa… hey Doc… wow, that was crazy… I don’t remember anything… what happened?

DOC:  Well, I’ve learned quite a lot during this session… I think you may have some latent flatulatory neuroses… but in any case a few common themes kept arising during your stories, Steve… those being… well farts… potty humor… uhhh… drinking stories… and well I guess, maybe we can include pranks and jokes.  I also noticed most of your stories involved close family and friends.  So, I think when you are writing, you just need to revert back to some of those adolescent, juvenile things that you and your family and friends find funny… other people will probably find them funny as well.

ME:  Oh… well that’s pretty much what I am doing already.

DOC:  Well… just keep doing that.

ME:  But… but… you haven’t really solved my problem… I’m still finding it hard to be consistently funny… day after day after day.

DOC:  Well, Steve… if you’d like to come back for another session… I’d be happy to see you again… but today we are out of time… I have another patient waiting.

ME:  No… that’s okay… what do I owe you today.

DOC:  Today’s fee is $500.00. You can pay at the reception desk out in the lobby.

ME:  Five hundred frickin’ dollars?!?!?!?  Dude, that is totally NOT funny…

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Our Ghost Story

Do you believe in ghosts?  Here’s our ghost story…

We’ve lived in our old 1890’s farmhouse for just over 15 years.  We moved in December of 1995 and started making the place our own.  One fall evening, about a month before our closing, my wife Kim drove down to our future home and met with the wife of the couple that was selling the house to us.  She wanted to show Kim some of the quirky (but also functionally important) things about the house;  where the main water shut-off was located, how the old cast-iron radiators had to be bled in the winter, how the side entrance door (which is the primary entrance) had a tricky bolt lock, the name and phone number of the olde-tymer that serviced the boiler, and numerous other old-house peculiarities she thought we should know.  As they were wrapping up the hour or so long tour, my wife, somewhat jokingly, but also with a touch of inquisitive curiousity, asked, “so, is the place haunted?”  She was then told the story about Maggie.

According to our seller, when they had first moved in, just a few short years before, they experienced several ghostly incidences and in turn decided to give their ghost a name.  Maggie, they would call her.  Shortly after their arrival, they began renovating several rooms of the house, nothing significant, mostly fresh paint and new wallpaper.  During one incident, with no one in close proximity, a full can of paint went tumbling off the top of a ladder as they were repainting the dining room… freaky for sure, but possibly explainable.  In a more significant encounter, the wife claimed that one night as she was sitting in the three season porch, she looked over, through the dining room to a small ice cream style table that they had in the kitchen.  There, at the table, sat a woman in an early 1900’s black dress and her hair in a bun.  When she turned her head then looked back, the woman was gone.  She witnessed this woman a second time, late one night, when she awoke from a deep sleep and saw her standing at the end of her bed.  Again the visitor vanished after a few moments.

My wife Kim took these stories with a grain of salt, left for the evening, arrived home and told me about Maggie.   Being reasonable folks, we weren’t going to let a ghost story affect the sale of the house we had fallen in love with.  The sale progressed over the next month and we moved in just before Christmas of 1995.  A few days after carrying our furniture and our boxed-up life into our new home we took the five-minute drive over to the neighboring Christmas tree farm, cut down a Christmas tree and began making our own memories.

For the record, I don’t really believe in ghosts.  I just think that if they were really spending time with us we’d have more evidence of their existence.  But somewhere deep inside my psyche is a sliver of belief.  I’m not sure why… I guess I kind of want to believe in ghosts.  I find the prospect of it fascinating.  I think the historical significance of ghosts makes for great stories.  I’m a huge fan of the hit TV show Ghost Hunters.  But in reality, I’m mostly a non-believer.  And also for the record, we have never seen or met Maggie.  Have we had some ghostly experiences?  Sure, most old house owners do.  I think that’s a function of houses that settle, that have leaky windows that make ghoulish sounds as the wind sneaks through the cracks and that have older electrical systems.

Early on we had a light in a downstairs bathroom that would turn on by its self.  One morning, after witnessing the light go on as I sat in the adjacent room, I went into the bathroom, neck-hair standing straight up, and discovered the old light switch was just loose and if it wasn’t pushed down completely when the light was turned off, a few minutes later it would pop back up and voila… the light would go on.  One evening as were getting ready to head upstairs for bed, as I approached the stairs I saw the perfectly shaped shadow of a man’s head on the opposite wall.  Yes, it stopped me in my tracks and raised my hackles!  But after a little investigation we found the source, just a light reflecting off the mirror on the opposite wall and creating a shadow from some items sitting on our dining room table.  Even this past Friday, New Years Eve, as I sat at that same dining room table, working on my recent blog posts, I clearly heard my first name spoken in what I swore was my wife’s voice.  But my wife was at work on that Friday.  “Is Kim home early”, I thought, trying not to be totally freaked out.  I called to my daughter who was in the kitchen and asked, “Madeline is Mom there?  I swear I just heard her say my name.”  “No”, she said, and then proceeded to tell me she thought she had heard HER name in that same area just a week or so earlier, in a kind of quiet, hushed voice.  CREEPY!!!  Do I have an explanation for those events?  No, I guess I don’t, but when I heard what I thought was my name, my son and one of his friends were running around just upstairs.  It could have been anything, a noise they made, a sound from their active playing.  Same with Madeline’s experience, not enough evidence that it was a real paranormal event.  Spooky… yes, paranormal… probably not!

However, if there is a Maggie, we have decided that she must be okay with us living here and is, for now, happy to keep to herself.  She apparently must be satisfied with us as the current caretakers of her house old farmhouse on Brown Road.  We have since done some major renovations to the house (a common ghost aggravator) but still have not met or seen our theoretical guest.  That makes us feel better about the possibility of having another resident amongst us.  And if it turns out there really is a Maggie, I think I know who she is.

One other significant tidbit of information we discovered from the sellers is that they had heard that our house had at one time, back in the late 1890’s and early 1900’s, operated as a Post Office for the few local residents in the area, at the time known as the Mint District due to the local farming and production of mint flavoring.  Several years ago I began to do some research on the history of our home and discovered that the Post Office story was true.  From the book Water Over the Dam, a history of Vicksburg, Michigan, published in 1972 by the Vicksburg historical society, I found the following excerpt:

At about this time a post office was established in the Mint district (there were five mint stills in the area), through the single-handed efforts of Mrs. Abner Yorton, (maiden name Abbie Hill) daughter of Cornelius Hill, mother of Mrs.  Mabel Godshalk.  Mrs. Yorton, the busy mother of five children, grew tired of driving to Vicksburg twice a week to pick up mail for herself and neighbors.  She contacted the Post Master General who told her if one letter a day was mailed from her area for a period of six months, the government would establish a post office there.  As Mrs. Yorton’s husband was a traveling salesman who traveled throughout the United States, she wrote him a letter every day for the six months, drove into Vicksburg and saw that it was properly postmarked.

Having this information in hand, with names to boot, I was able to track down more details about this family, whom as best as I can tell, were the original owners of our home, and ultimately came upon the photo below which was given to me by a distant relative who had posted some of the family history on a genealogy website.

Apparently the Hill Family was prominent in our rural area during this time period and many members of the family and their relatives are buried in the small cemetery just ½ mile or so up the road from us, including the baby in the center of the photo who died as an infant (thus the mention of only five children above).  The older man in the photo (3rd from the right) is Abner Yorton, the salesman mentioned in Water on the Dam.  The older woman (3rd from the left) is Abbie Hill… in her early 1900’s black dress and with her hair in a bun.  Is Abbie Hill our Maggie?  Is there a reason she is possibly still lingering about our house?

For now, I’ll assume that Maggie is nothing but a far-fetched ghost story and that Abbie Hill is currently “resting in peace” in her final burial place.  If the time comes though, when Maggie decides to introduce herself to us… well, that will make for one hell of a blog post!

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