Sheen-ism’s

Okay, it’s time to climb on the Charlie Sheen bandwagon.

This post got Freshly Pressed the other day:

The Charlie Sheen Guide to Passing a Job Interview

It’s a great post and I think the author deserved the recognition. Until I read it though I hadn’t even really been following the Sheen saga, I’m not much of a TV watcher, but after reading the quotes, I gotta admit I think I kinda like the guy even though he’s acting pretty screwy right now. I like his attitude and his mojo… seriously! I hope he can figure his life out and get back to work.

But until then, I thought I would compare his quotes to what I would have said if I had been asked the same questions. It’s amazing how similar and different we are… at the same time.  Here ya go…

Sheen-ism: I’m bi-winning. I win here. I win there.

Steve-ism: I’m bi-awesome. I’m awesome here and I’m awesome there… and maybe a little bi-polar.

Sheen-ism: I’m proud of what I created. It was radical. I exposed people to magic. I exposed them to something they’re never going to see in their boring normal lives.

Steve-ism: I’m proud of what I created. My blog is radically hysterical. I expose people to goat shit and BOOBS and talking horses. I just need to make shit up to help me work through my boring, normal life.

Sheen-ism: Sometimes sleep is for infants. I don’t sleep. I wait. When I can’t sleep I don’t fight it. I just figure that there’s a higher calling.

Steve-ism: I wish I could sleep like an infant, like every couple of hours lie down and sleep for a while… you know, wrap up in a bunch of blankets, drool on shit…yeah, that would kick some serious ass. Plus throw in a good 8-10 at night… yeah,  seriously… serious ass.

Sheen-ism: I am on a drug. It’s called ‘Charlie Sheen!’ It’s not available because if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.

Steve-ism: I’m on a drug. It’s called ‘Steve Warner!’ You can buy it cheap at the corner of Brown Road. Sometimes it’s a stimulant and sometimes it’s depressive. Mostly it makes you think you’re much more talented than you really are.  Sometimes it makes me think “I’m so handsome, I hope I never die.”

Sheen-ism: I’m a high priest vatican assassin warlock. I don’t know. All these words just sound cool together. They come from my grand wizard master.

Steve-ism: I’m a metrosexual goat keeper psuedo farmer. I don’t know. All these words just sound cool together. It’s what happens when you move from Long Island to Michigan.

Sheen-ism: When you’ve got tiger blood and Adonis DNA, it’s like, get with the program dude.

Steve-ism: When you’ve got Irish blood and English DNA, it’s like, get with the program dude, you don’t need that eighth drink!

Sheen-ism:  I’ve been the aw-shucks guy with this bitchin’ rockstar life, so now I’m going to completely embrace it. I’m going to wrap both arms around it and love it violently, and defend it violently, through violent hatred.

Steve-ism:  I’ve been the bitchin’ rockstar guy with this aw-shucks life, so now I’ve got to just accept that’s the way it is. That kinda sucks, but I guess I’ll just wrap my arms around it and violently try to get over the disappointment.

Sheen-ism:  I’m not [broke] but I was kind of counting on some of that money to get me through the summer. Now I’ve got to like work. But that’s alright. Work’s good. Work fuels the soul.”

Steve-ism:  I make a great living, but if I could just say fuck-it and go all homesteader on y’all, grow a friggin’ unabomber beard, stop showering… yeah that would be good for the soul. But instead I’ve got to like work… that friggin’ blows!

Sheen-ism: You borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like dude, can’t handle it, unplug this bastard. It fires in a way that is, I don’t know, maybe not from this terrestrial realm.

Steve-ism: You borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like dude, stop swearing so fucking much, I can’t handle it, unplug this bastard. It fires in a way that is, I don’t know, like dude, shut the fuck up… your kids are in the room!

Sheen-ism: The past couple weeks has been me cresting on a mercury surfboard, a tsunami toward “THEM”

Steve-ism: The past couple months has me cresting on a blogging rocket ship, hurtling towards INFAMY!

I’ll be checking into rehab shortly….

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18 Comments

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18 responses to “Sheen-ism’s

  1. Funny- Hey! Add your ‘Share’ buttons so you and I can tweet this sucker this morn! I’ll look out for your tweet, and then I’ll retweet…working with you on your Twitter popularity buddy!

    Fav line..”Sometimes it makes me think “I’m so handsome, I hope I never die.” Crap, maybe I should buy some Steve-Warner. Excuse me while I call my local dealer.

  2. I cracked up all through your post. Hysterical! My favorite-“I’m a metrosexual goat keeper psuedo farmer.” Love the Steve-isms..lol Great post! It should be freshly pressed. 🙂

  3. It is funny, even though I was bored with Sheen’s antics years ago. Ain’t looking so hot lately, is he?

    P.S. I don’t know if I’d but the words ‘metrosexual and goat’ in the same sentence. 😮

  4. Very funny. I, too, am not bothered by Sheen at all. I have always enjoyed Gary Busey’s antics, and Sheen is about to top him. Both of them have an obvious love of words and language, and as an English teacher, I admire that in some sick kind of way.

  5. “My blog is radically hysterical. I expose people to goat shit and BOOBS and talking horses.” I love it!

    I’d take Steve, the REAL guy, over Charlie, the seriously-delusional guy, any day!

    Wendy

  6. OK – I was totally over Charlie until I read this. I’m still totally over Charlie, but at least you made me smile about being over Charlie!

    I liked: Steve-ism: When you’ve got Irish blood and English DNA, it’s like, get with the program dude, you don’t need that eighth drink!

    Having Irish blood myself (plus English and German DNA) I can appreicate the sentiment. Now pass that damn bottle over here, please!

  7. good stuff, Charlie. . . I mean, Steve. . . I haven’t been following much of the saga other than I know he’s been crazy—but this post made me laugh out loud. . .seriously, not lol, but actually laugh out loud. I wonder my Fridge-isms would be? 🙂

  8. Well, i like both of you!!! You both very very funny! (you maybe a lot saner)
    xx

  9. Well I’m big time TV watcher!! But that is only when I have absolutely nothing at hand. Sheen – saga rocks!
    TV Anchor
    Can you be a good television anchor?
    http://www.3smartcubes.com/pages/tests/tv_anchor/tv_anchor_instructions.asp

  10. Great examination of the Sheen-verse.

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