Tag Archives: life

When I grow up I want to be a… Dreamer?

When I was a kid I wanted to be an archeologist…

I spent about ten hours over two days this past weekend shoveling, raking and roto-tilling the area where our garden will be. I could barely move Sunday evening. This will be the second year we have had our garden in this area, but we expanded it by about 1/3 this year and we are working on putting up decent fencing that will keep the goats out. It’s now about 15’ wide x 35’ long, not a huge space, but enough for us to grow some fresh food.

We live on an old property. Our house was built sometime around 1890. Our three small barns are newer but I’m guessing were built in maybe the 1940’s or 1950’s. There has been A LOT of people that have lived on this property and I have learned, in the twenty years that we have been here, that if you dig a hole, you will inevitably find something.

We’ve never discovered anything valuable or terribly noteworthy. It’s usually just pieces of rusty metal, nails and small pieces of farm equipment, but we are always joking about finding “artifacts.” There are, seemingly, pieces of pottery and porcelain all over the place, buried a few inches under the ground, hidden history of the one hundred plus years of home owners that came before us. For awhile I was collecting small pieces of what seemed to be a brown pottery bowl, thinking I could glue it all back together, but eventually gave up.

This is what I found while digging around in our garden this year:

archeology

My imagination runs wild when I find something, so I think we’ve obviously either uncovered an old civil war camp or the site of an alien spaceship landing… or maybe just a place where previous residents used to throw some trash. Yes, that is Naughty’s (one of our goats) name tag you see there in the center, probably lost within the last few weeks. When I looked down and saw that shiny circle, about 1/3 of it peeking out from underneath the freshly tilled soil, I thought “this is it, I’ve finally found the Holy Grail, a valuable 19th century coin!”

Alas, just Naughty’s name tag… oh well, maybe next time.

What is it about boys and digging up stuff? Yes, even at 45 years old, give me a shovel and let me dig a hole and in my mind there is sure to be buried treasure if I dig deep enough.  In fifth grade, a friend of mine lived in a very old house, much older than mine, near Smithtown, Long Island, New York, where I grew up. It was a sprawling 18th century home, sitting up on a small bluff next to a marsh of the Long Island Sound.  Deep in the woods on their property they had discovered an old trash burial site where we would go dig up cool old things, mostly chunks of glass and pottery and rusted metal that was unidentifiable as to its purpose in a previous life. We never found anything terribly noteworthy then either, but I do remember one day digging up an old rusty can labeled “tooth powder” and figured that was what people used to brush their teeth with back in the day.

I never became an archeologist…

Like most people, there were lots of things I wanted to be as a kid that I never pursued.  When I was in elementary school I wanted to draw cartoons for the newspaper. My claim to fame, as a cartoonist, was a six frame cartoon that in the first frame showed a house with a Garage Sale sign in front.  I don’t remember all the details, but as the frames progressed, a Giant shows up to the sale, apparently does some intense negotiating and ends up carrying away the actual garage.

Get it… garage sale? Hilarious!

So I never became a cartoonist either…

After that, for a period of time, I wanted to be a Writer. I didn’t really know anything about writing and I rarely wrote, but my grandmother, who wrote poetry and, over the years, columns for local newspapers and magazines, put that thought in my mind so I went with it. I never really wrote anything consistently until I started The Brown Road Chronicles, but now it’s become a pretty regular part of my day to day life so perhaps I shouldn’t cross this one off the list yet.

When I was in high school I wanted to be a Park Ranger.  In my high school yearbook I was voted something like “most likely to go off into the woods and live like a hermit” or maybe it was “most likely to become a Park Ranger.” Or maybe it was some combination of the two. I can’t remember the exact quote and I don’t know where my yearbook is to look it up.

But I never became a Park Ranger… or a hermit…

The list goes on and on. I never became a Professional Cellist or a Ford Fashion Model or a Graphic Artist or a Custom Furniture Maker or an Antiques Dealer either and I can say, to this day, I still really haven’t figured out what I want to be when I grow up.

Professional writer, homesteader, goat farmer is probably the latest on the list…

Kids have that amazing ability to dream about wanting to pursue “careers” that seem unique and glamorous and fun. Then we become adults and realize that the odds aren’t very good to make a living as musicians or artists or authors… or archeologists… or homesteader, goat farmers. There’s a limited number of “slots” for every career and some of us have to fill the other slots and sometimes those slots aren’t as interesting or glamorous or fun.

But the point is to never stop dreaming about it whether those dreams are realistic or totally unobtainable.  Because if you stop dreaming, you stop living and of all the things I’ve taught my children, some good, some not so good, some still to come… the one thing I hope I’ll be most proud of when I send them off, wings spread, into the world of adult hood…  is that they’ll be dreamers too.

Now,  I think I’ll go dig a hole. I’m sure that coin is out there somewhere.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

23 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Shoes

painting

This is a painting that hangs in my home. My maternal grandmother painted this in 1983, from a photograph that was taken on a trip to the beach when I was a teenager.  She was an artist, an art teacher, a sculptor, a porcelain doll maker, a writer, a poet and an all-around, prolific talent. I credit her and my mother with instilling in me the importance of being creative. If you are interested, you can read more about her (and my equally unique grandfather) in these two posts.

An Empty Well and You’re So Handsome I Hope You Never Die

My family lived on Long Island and we would frequently drive to a beach in South Hampton, about an hour from our home and spend the day swimming in the waves, playing in the sand, cooking and eating and getting burned to a crisp. My father would pack every square inch of our station wagon with the vital supplies; a large canopy to block the sun, beach chairs, umbrellas, coolers full of food and drinks, beer and wine, a small charcoal grill to cook on, and plenty of sports balls and Frisbees and water and sand toys.

I don’t specifically remember this particular trip but over the years I have tried to identify who the shoes belonged to. I’m pretty sure the pair third from the right with the red stripes were mine and I think the pair third from the left with the blue stripes were my fathers. I’m guessing the white pair on the left belonged to my mother but I can’t be sure.  The rest, I believe belonged to aunts and uncles, a cousin and my two grandmothers, all of whom would have been visiting from New Jersey and Pennsylvania.  The small pair of pink flip-flops belonged to my cousin who is about ten years younger than me. There has been some debate, over the years, that perhaps one of the pairs of shoes belonged to a girlfriend of mine at the time, but in counting them up, I now believe it was all family on this particular trip. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

We have several of my grandmother’s paintings in our house and on most days, this painting is just another backdrop in our home. But in retrospect, when I really consider it’s meaning, it brings back a flood of memories. Even more so than many photographs.  It suggests a time when I filled my shoes with much different hopes and dreams and goals than I do now. Not necessarily better or worse, just different, younger, freer and with much less responsibility to be concerned with. It’s also reminds me that three of these people, my mother and my two grandmother’s are no longer with us.

But new shoes have filled those spots in my life. These days if you painted a picture of my family’s shoes at a trip to Lake Michigan it would likely look very similar to my grandmother’s painting from 1983, filled with sneakers and flip-flops and sandals. On other days that painting might include cleats or dress shoes or barn boots or running shoes. In just over six years from now when my two kids have gone away to college, the painting will be just of my wife’s and my shoes. If we are lucky though, someday after that, we can add some grand-kid’s shoes.

There is always a large pile of shoes gracing the entry way to our house, a pile which varies in size and variety depending on the season. It’s an easy thing to gripe about.

But there’s also a comfort in tripping over it every day.

Because it tells me, that even though life is never easy, there is still plenty of walking and perhaps even running to do and so far, we seem to be headed in the right direction.

Oh… and by the way, this was my 200th post! Thanks for reading!

25 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

A Reluctant Extrovert

Are you an Extrovert or an Introvert?

I decided today that I am a Reluctant Extrovert.

Let me back up a bit. I’m far from an Extrovert and would in fact classify myself as an Introvert. Not in a totally dysfunctional, can’t go out of the house or speak to anyone kind of way, but…

I was kind of shy as a kid. I’ve grown out of that like lots of people do. Not that I’m the life of the party, I’m certainly not the guy that keeps a conversation going in a group full of people, when that uncomfortable silence fills the room. I don’t like making small talk and like a lot of husbands, many conversations between my wife and I are one-sided, or let’s say maybe 75/25. I don’t particularly like being in charge, although I’ve certainly been down that road and am glad to be done with it. I helped run a small family retail business for years. I liked the job, but I hated the personnel part of it.

On the other hand I’ve always been this person that people seem to like and gravitate to. I’m not trying to pat myself on the back here, like I’ve perhaps, occasionally, maybe, sometimes done here in my blog.  Seriously, I’m not… but it’s just one of those things I possess, I guess… that ability to be likeable…

… and totally handsome.

(sorry, that just slipped out, I’m just kidding… sheesh!)

I’ve also discovered I like to be…. ummm…. uhhhh… hmmmm…. how do I say this without sounding like a pompous ass?

I kind of like to be the center of attention. I don’t mean in a “Donald Trump, Birther Movement” kind of way, more of a “dude, you were overlooked again for People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive” kind of way.

(sorry, that just slipped out again… I’m just kidding, sheesh!)

But seriously, I like to put myself out there a little bit. I’ve discovered I kind of like standing in front of a (smallish) group of people and speaking. I like when people listen to and like my songs and I enjoy singing around a campfire. I like when people think of me as someone who is accomplished or capable. I like being in the public eye and have even done a little bit of modeling before (no, we will not be providing pictures). I’m frankly a little narcissistic that way and it’s perhaps all part of my (somewhat jokingly) ongoing quest to be famous!

I have to balance that with my other need to be a quirky, long-bearded, homesteader, recluse. It’s kind of a weird tight-rope, balancing act of extroversion and introversion.

Alright, alright… twist my arm… maybe just one picture… from a test shoot…  just because it’s cool.

… and totally handsome!

I think I’m going use this for my album cover!

“Steve, your need to be the center of attention is showing.”

(yeah… whatever… I know… sheesh!)

Anyhow, all this, and just the simple fact of having kids, means I (and my wife) get asked to do a lot of stuff… volunteer for this, help with that, lead this group, be on this committee.

“Hey, that’s cool, my plate’s not too full, sure I can help.”

My wife and I also have this problem of saying “NO”.

Now I’ve put myself into a sales job. Not just any sales job, a self-employed, completely independent, 100% commission, it’s all you dude, sales job. What, you ask? A shy, introverted guy goes into a sales job? Yes, I am calling and e-mailing and walking in on customers that sometimes are busy or don’t want to see me.  Not a big deal really, most people are very nice and pleasant, at least in my industry. But it doesn’t come easy for me, I’ve still had to step out of my comfort zone a bit and psych myself up to make things happen. But sitting in front of a customer giving a presentation… love it! And, I’ll tell you what, when you land that fish… god damn it feels good!

So here I am… a shy, introverted guy who has become a Reluctant Extrovert.

Some people would say “that’s good Steve, pushing yourself.”

They’re right, it is probably a good thing and it sets a good example for my kids, but there’s a level of stress that’s always present that an outwardly extroverted person may not feel.

The batteries get drained and need to be recharged.

This is something I haven’t really figured out yet, how to recharge. I don’t mean have a drink or take a nap or a day off from work or even an extended vacation. I mean completely recharge mentally or spiritually or whatever terminology you want to use to describe it.

As a younger person I could just shut myself off for a little while. As an adult that doesn’t seem to be as realistic. The rest of the world doesn’t shut off, my wife and my kids lives don’t shut off, everything around me just keeps rolling along like a toy train that goes round and round it’s tracks through a diorama of mountains and trees and buildings. I can’t just flip the switch and turn the train off.

I just need to find the station that allows you to get on and off the train once in a while.

So, answer the question above, are you an Extrovert or an Introvert? And what do you do to recharge your batteries?

11 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Retirement? Not quite yet…

Have you ever thought about retiring your blog?

Lately I have been seriously considering retiring Brown Road Chronicles. Seriously! This isn’t a joke like when I wrote this April Fool’s Day post awhile ago. I just haven’t been writing and the last thing I want is a blog site that people show up to and wonder if the author has passed away as their last post was three years ago.

Then today I got a pingback on one of my posts from my friend Anne Schilde.  Anne posted about one of my favorite satirical topics… being Freshly Pressed… or maybe I should say… NOT being Freshly Pressed, because she writes fiction which doesn’t seem to catch the eye of the WordPress Editors.  Go ahead and read it… it’s a good post! I won’t get into the Freshly Pressed discussion, but it did remind me what I enjoy about blogging, the interactions and the idea that something you’ve written made someone smile or laugh out loud or cry or yell and scream… or whatever.

So I have decided, at least for now, not to retire Brown Road Chronicles. You can all say a collective “thank you” to Anne… or you can say “Anne, what the fuck were you thinking? Now we have to continue to read the crap this guy puts out there?”

But I still wonder… how does someone go about retiring a blog? Because that day will surely come. Do you throw a party, have a contest, get really drunk and post nude pictures as a final post?  Do you write some morbid final diatribe like an attorney writing a Last Will and Testament?

And I leave my post “BOOBS” to Jared Karol because he was one of my first blogging friends… and he probably likes BOOBS.”

Do you just close it down and go away quietly? Do you leave it up so the few dozen creeps, delinquents, porn seekers and the record number of people trying to open a Lemonade Stand have a place to go each day? I don’t know and I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.

Some days I do feel like I’ve done everything I can do here.  I honestly believe this is a good site, funny, interesting and entertaining, but that maybe it’s as good as it could… or should be. Like a good book, even a blog has to have an ending.  Sure, I could post more stuff about my kids and my goats and living in the country… but honestly that’s never what this site was about. In reality it was about me… it’s always been about me. I started this site at a time when I didn’t feel very settled in my life. I was disillusioned and frankly, disillusion is a great source of inspiration.  So I started writing, and writing a few times a week helped, it was a creative release, it was fun and it made me happy. I guess it still does as I was reminded today when Anne pinged one of my posts.

“So Steve, you’re saying you finally feel settled?”

No, I’ve learned I’ll never be settled… well, let me rephrase that… I’m very settled in my family life, my home life, and in my current business which I have been slowly building. So yes, I do feel more settled, enough so that, I guess, it’s depleted my reservoir of topics to blog about. But I’m also learning to understand it’s just my nature to never feel completely settled. I’m a dreamer and I have this tendency to think that maybe there’s a better way out there, something more meaningful than the quest for money and wealth and stuff.  Maybe that’s a good thing as it keeps me on my toes…

… and for at least a while longer, keeps me writing.

And to Anne, thanks for the pingback… just sayin’ 😉

47 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized