Tag Archives: humor

Five Questionable Playground Debate Positions from when I was a kid

Playgrounds were a tough place when I was a kid and we often had to use our limited resources to stand up for our rights. Here’s five examples of Playground Debate Positions that were questionable in their results.

1. You have Cooties:

Example:

Sally: Will you kiss me under the Monkey Bars?
Billy: Gross! I’m not going to kiss you under the Monkey Bars. You have Cooties!
Sally: Well, I guess I’ll have to kiss all the other boys under the Monkey Bars.

Why this is a questionable playground debate position:

The Centers for Disease Control have no actual documentation of the disease Cooties, what pathogen might cause it and what the signs and symptoms might be. But the similarity to the words Cootch or it’s derivative Cootchie Mama, leads many researchers to believe that it is a form of Sexually Transmitted Disease associated with girl parts.

Analysis:

Like any Sexually Transmitted Disease, the odds of someone Sally’s age having Cooties is very slim. As children grow into adults and become more sexually active the chances of being exposed to a disease like Cooties becomes much more prevalent. If Billy had been more caring to Sally on the playground and not worried so much about catching Cooties, perhaps Sally would not have grown up and exposed Billy to a real STD when he slept with her in the back of his Ford Mustang.

2. I’m rubber and you’re glue, everything you say bounces off me and sticks to you:

Sally: Billy, you’re a dumb jerk!
Billy: I’m rubber and you’re glue, everything you say bounces off me and sticks to you.

Why this is a questionable playground debate position:

Anyone that has ever tried to glue something that wasn’t on a flat surface understands that if a person was actually made of glue, the odds of something sticking and not immediately falling off is very slim.

Analysis:

Billy has not figured out that Sally calling him a “dumb jerk” is actually her way of showing affection for him and that she is likely interested in a romantic relationship. Billy’s response, alluding to the fact that everything people say to him bounces off, is indicative of a serious self-esteem issue, his avoidance of conflict and personal contact and an inability to stand up for himself in any productive way. In addition, Billy describing himself as “rubber” suggests he has been labeled with terminology such as “bouncy” or “bouncing off the walls” which leads us to believe there are more serious, untreated hyperactivity disorders.

3. I know you are but what am I?:

Example:

Billy: Sally, you’re a dumb jerk!
Sally: I know you are but what am I?
Billy: You’re a moron!
Sally: I know you are but what am I?
Billy: YOU’RE A STUPID HO AND SO IS YOUR MOTHER!
Sally: I know you are but what am I?
And on and on…

Why this is a questionable playground debate position:

On the surface this seems like a “can’t lose” debate position for Sally. She is subtly throwing the insult back at Billy each time (“I know you are…). But she is also continually asking Billy to come up with another, even more horrible insult (…but what am I?).

Analysis:

After an hour or so of this back and forth, Sally will have been called at the very least, a DUMB JERK MORON STUPID HO AND SO IS YOUR MOTHER, while offering nothing back in the way of any defensible position for herself.

4. Up Your Nose with a Rubber Hose:

Example:
Billy: Sally would you like to go the 1st grade dance with me?
Sally: No Billy, you have Cooties!
Billy: Up your nose with a rubber hose.

Why this is a questionable playground debate position:

Billy’s response offers nothing of value to the conversation. Had Billy just responded honestly and declared himself “Cootie free” he may have secured a date to the 1st grade dance.

Analysis:

Although Billy’s statement may sound somewhat aggressive, in reality it’s his way of reiterating that he really likes Sally and that he hopes she will reconsider going to the 1st grade dance with him. From Sally’s viewpoint, however, such a non-sensical statement only reinforces her belief that all men are ignorant, it offers nothing productive in the way of continuing the conversation and it certainly doesn’t spark her interest in going to the dance.

5. Boys go to Mars and get more Candy Bars, Girls go to Jupiter and get more stupider:

Example:

Sally: Girls are better than boys!
Billy: Boys go to Mars and get more Candy Bars, Girls go to Jupiter and get more stupider.

Why this is a questionable debate position:

Certainly going to Mars would be preferable to going to Jupiter. Mars offers a much more hospitable, although mostly deadly climate than Jupiter and is the one planet that humans are continually researching as the next frontier of space travel. However, there is really no supporting documentation that going to Mars would result in getting ANY candy bars, let alone MORE candy bars and that going to Jupiter would make someone stupider.

Analysis:

Whereas Sally makes a very simple, concise and well thought out statement, “Girls are better than boys”, Billy’s response reeks of the desperation of a boy who has romantic feelings for Sally, panics when spoken to and responds with another completely nonsensical statement. Billy also uses the word Stupider which clearly proves he is remedial at best and falls on the lower end of the educational spectrum.

In conclusion:

Billy and Sally were sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First came love, then came marriage, then came a baby in a baby carriage. The end.

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Firsts and Lasts at She’s a Maineiac

This blog has been WAY too serious lately…

So… this is a perfect time to be the featured writer over at everyone’s favorite blog, She’s a Maineiac, with its host, the super-funny, coffee drinking, plaid wearing, half-sane mama Darla.

Maineiac

I met Darla in April of 2011 when I left a comment on her About page after discovering she was from Maine.  I think it said something about “I didn’t know they had computers in Maine” and “have you ever hit a moose with your car?”

No, I’m kidding… my wife and I went to college and met in Maine, so I was happy to find a little connection to one of my favorite states in this big bad blogging world. I love Maine, it’s a wicked cool place, ayuh! It’s known for the world-famous artists “Bert and I” who in a classic Maine accent, tell funny stories about “Downeast”. It’s known for the iconic LL Bean store, where my Barn Coat came from that I wrote about in my one and only Freshly Pressed post, and of course it’s know for Lobstah! If I didn’t love Michigan so much, I’d probably want to live in Maine.

You can listen to some Bert and I clips here: http://www.islandportpress.com/bertandi/index.html

When Darla asked me to be the featured blogger on her monthly series “Firsts and Lasts”, I knew I had finally made it big in the blogging world. All I had to do was answer a series of questions on this personality test that she e-mailed to me. I think she called it something like the Darla Richter MultiPhasic Personality Indicator.  I figured… “how hard could that be?” and since she has like a zillion followers, I thought maybe this would be a good opportunity to pick up two or three more.

I tried to answer as truthfully as I could, except for the questions that I didn’t answer that truthfully.

So come hang out with us today over at She’s a Maineiac and read my answers and check out some of Darla’s stuff. She’s funny, she’s well-known and highly regarded in our little corner of the virtual world, she’s been Freshly Pressed several times and she has some mad Photoshopping skills.

I’d leave you a link to her site, but….. in the words of Bert and I, “come to think of it… you can’t get there from here.”

No… seriously, just click this link and you’ll be there faster than Captain Kirk in a Star Trek Transporter.

Firsts and Lasts with Steve from Brown Road Chronicles

Have fun… and as always, thanks for reading!

 

 

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The Men of WordPress Calendar

Being a male in the blogging world is sometimes like being the lone Rooster in a barn full of Hens! Seems the lady bloggers far outnumber the guy bloggers.  That’s okay, us bro’s know that the ladies are much better with words any day of the week! But I decided we needed to do a little promotion of some of the Men of the WordPress Writing World.

So I contacted the talented folks at Brown Road Marketing, Inc., the promotional arm of my blogging empire (the same folks who designed my Brown Road Chronicles T-shirts and recorded my Brown Road Chronicles Radio Advertisement) for some help in getting the faces of some of the “Roosters” at WordPress out in front of the crowd.

We picked twelve totally awesome dudes, men of too many words, talented writers and artists and musicians and athletes and sports enthusiasts.  But mostly, committed fathers and husbands and some incredibly funny guys.  Some write frequently, some write periodically but these are all guys that I have gotten to know a bit through blogging, guys that follow me and I follow them, mostly guys who make me laugh on a regular basis.

Twelve guys who aren’t afraid to let it all out or keep it all in… in front of thousands of WordPress Followers.

Legal Disclaimer: all images are the property of the totally studly guys pictured here. Hopefully all of these handsome and talented bro’s approve of their selected images and of being swooned over by the lady bloggers. Brown Road Marketing, Inc. may or may not have had to stalk a few Facebook Pages and Twitter feeds to obtain images.

Sorry ladies, no shirtless pics…

So, here I present to you: The 2014 Men of WordPress Calendar. You can click the images to enlarge them and use the links below each page to visit their sites.

ThoughtfulPop-januaryThoughtful Pop

thebyronicman-februaryThe Byronic Man

Jasonpearch-marchThe MindSlam

JarodKarol-AprilLick the Fridge

Claywatkins-MayMaking the Days Count

Goodgreatsby-JuneThe Good Greatsby

beingarindam-JulyBeing Arindam

harrymullans-augustDribbling Pensioner

stevewarner-septemberThe Brown Road Chronicles

blurtblog-octoberBlurt Blog

don-novemberDon of All Trades

stuartsheldon-decemberStuart Sheldon

So, there you go… the 2014 Men of WordPress Calendar.  Of course, this is only a sampling of the talented guys out there. So who’d we miss? Share your votes with the world and maybe they’ll make next years issue!

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How to Eat of Bowl of Kellogg’s Frosted Mini Wheats

mini wheats

I love Kellogg’s Frosted Mini Wheats!

Kellogg’s has accomplished an incredible feat by taking a food product that basically has the consistency and taste of dried, toasted hay and made it delicious by coating it in a thick layer of sugar.

To emphasize my point, have you ever eaten plain Shredded Wheat? There are a few brands on the market but Post Shredded Wheat is the most iconic and well-known. Could there possibly be a more disgusting, choke-inducing cereal than plain, shredded wheat? Well, maybe Grape-Nuts, another Post creation. I’m not sure my goats would even eat plain shredded wheat.

But Kellogg’s has nailed it by adding a sugary coating. It’s a food product that allows us to avoid wallowing in the poor self-esteem issues of our food choices by hiding under the guise of eating healthy and regulating our bowels, while still consuming massive amounts of sugary goodness.

Herein lies the problem. When you add milk to your Frosted Mini Wheats the sugar will start to dissolve and they will begin to deteriorate faster than the most aggressive of ionic reactions.

Like this one, which takes about 10-14 to 10-16 seconds for completion:

formula

Precipitation of BaSO4, Barium Sulfate, when solutions of Barium Chloride and Sulphuric Acid are mixed.

Now I’m no scientist, but those speeds sound like some serious business! Those are negative powers bro!

I’d venture to guess that the significant deterioration of a Frosted Mini Wheat in a bowl of milk starts happening in about 10-25 seconds. So, just as you would never in your right mind try precipitating Barium Sulfate without a well thought out plan of action, you should never eat a bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats without an equal level of preparation.

The important thing to note about Frosted Mini Wheats is that Kellogg’s has not figured out how to accurately coat each Mini Wheat with equal amounts of sugar. This will be important later.

So, here’s how to eat a bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats:

  1. Pour Frosted Mini Wheats into a bowl.
  2. Arrange all of the Mini Wheats so that they are “face up”, meaning sugar side up. You should have no more than two layers of Mini Wheats.
  3. If you have more than two layers you will need to return some to the box.
  4. As you are arranging the Mini Wheats, carefully study and mentally document each of them to determine the amount and consistency of the sugar that coats each piece.
  5. Try to put the Mini Wheats with the most sugar on the bottom layer.
  6. Make special note of the one or two Mini Wheats that are coated with an incredibly thick (1-2mm) of sugar-coating. There will always be one or two of these.
  7. Prepare yourself mentally to eat the Mini Wheats, i.e. get in “The Zone”.
  8. IMPORTANT: Pour milk into cereal bowl but only enough to lightly soak the Mini Wheats. If you use too much milk you will end of with a giant bowl of mush.
  9. Eat as fast as you can starting with the least sugary Mini Wheats on the top layer and finishing with the most sugary Mini Wheats on the bottom layer. As the Mini Wheats will shift around while eating, you will need to be fleet-of-spoon to be sure you are continuing to eat in the correct order. The Mini Wheats noted in #6 should be eaten last.
  10. If you’re a milk drinker, go ahead and drink the milk, but keep in mind, Frosted Mini Wheat milk will have significantly more “silt” in it than milk from other cereals.

So that’s how you eat a bowl of Kellogg’s Frosted Mini Wheats.

Next up… How to Eat a Bowl of Lucky Charms!

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