My Oprah Interview

OPRAH: We’re here today with the world-famous blogger, Steve Warner who writes the hugely successful blog The Brown Road Chronicles. As you know, the massive popularity and growth of this blog has put the spotlight brightly on Mr. Warner as suspicions of doping and the use of banned blogging substances and methods has been swirling around members of the WordPress community.

Okay, Mr. Warner, so when we met a week ago today, we agreed that there would be no holds barred, there would be no conditions on this interview, and that this would be an open field.

ME: I think that’s best for both of us.

OPRAH: I agree. So here we go, open field. So let’s start with the questions people all over the world have been waiting for you to answer.

ME: Okay.

OPRAH: Okay. This whole conversation, we have a lot of time, will be about the details, Yes or No. Did you ever take substances to enhance your blogging performance?

ME:  Yes… wine…

OPRAH: Wine?!? So you have used Alcohol while blogging?

ME: Mostly just wine.

OPRAH: Okay, I get it… you like wine… but have you ever used any banned substances?

ME: No, I don’t think so, I did try BlogGro once…

OPRAH: BlogGro? What is that? Is that a banned substance?

ME: No, I don’t think so. I didn’t work anyway. I think it was just one of those Infomercial Scams. They charged me like $12.95 for the shipping and handling fee. Plus, even though the whole thing was totally guaranteed, totally refundable, like most people I never sent it back.

OPRAH: Did you ever use any banned substances like Plaigerisimone or Copynpasterone to improve your blogging performance?

ME: No.

OPRAH: When you won all your blogging awards, like the Versatile Blogger Award and the Stylish Blogger Award were you under the influence of any banned substances?

ME: Sometimes wine…

OPRAH: LOOK, QUIT IT WITH THE WINE, WINE IS NOT A BANNED SUBSTANCE …

ME: I know, but I’m funnier when I’ve had wine.

OPRAH: Look, can we please get back on track here?

ME: Sorry.

OPRAH: Okay, so, you’ve never used any banned substances. Have you ever used any other illegal methods to improve your blogging performance?

ME: Well, I did go see a Therapist one time when I wasn’t feeling very funny. That helped a little.

OPRAH: Last I checked, seeing a therapist was not illegal.

ME: No, you’re probably right…

OPRAH: When you were Freshly Pressed, were you under the influence of any banned substances?

ME: Ummm… I’ve never been Freshly Pressed.

OPRAH: Seriously?!?

ME: I know, right?!?

OPRAH: Okay, so then let’s back up a little… have you ever used any banned substances in an effort to become Freshly Pressed?

ME: Ummm… uhhhh….. ummm….

OPRAH: You seem sort of nervous all of a sudden.

ME: Ummm… uhhhh….

OPRAH: Mr Warner, I’ll ask again, have you ever used any banned substances in an effort to become Freshly Pressed?

ME: Ummm… uhhhh….

OPRAH: I’m waiting…..

ME: (Silence)

OPRAH: Mr. Warner have you been using Freshlypresstosterone?

ME: (trying to change subject) Have you heard that story about the Notre Dame Football player with the fake girlfriend……?

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28 Comments

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28 responses to “My Oprah Interview

  1. Damn – I didn’t know Freshlypresstosterone was a banned substance. It hasn’t worked for me anyway, so no harm, no foul.

  2. Cheers to a great interview, Mr. Warner!

  3. I wonder if Freshlypresstosterone comes in both red and white.

  4. What I want to know is how you are going to explain this to your children. What did you say? I’ll ask again…what did you SAY?!

  5. Obviously, you had a little wine before you wrote this. It was at least two glasses funny! I might need to look into some freshlyprestrogen!

  6. GOF

    Superb entertainment, only I can’t help wondering that perhaps you’re not telling the entire truth. :-)
    Next stop Dr Phil?

  7. Freshlyperformance enhancers! Good idea!

  8. What a fun idea! Where can I score some of that Freshlypressed enhancer? Not that I’d ever use it. I’m just wondering … you know, for a friend. Great post!

  9. Val

    Never mind Freshlypresterone, I wonder where I can get some black market Freshlypressedrogen?

  10. I wasn’t aware of all of these blogging enhancement substances out there – especially that feshlypressedosterone – but, asking as a girl now, doesn’t it make your blog grow hair in weird places? Like your sidebars? Guess maybe I’d have to then invest in a blog post version of “No No” and shave it down every 6 weeks.

  11. passionwriting

    this was a fabulously fantastic post :)

  12. Ha, that’s a funny post. And you are obviously a guilty man, because you *did* end up getting FP’d. ;-)

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