Monthly Archives: January 2013

My Oprah Interview

OPRAH: We’re here today with the world-famous blogger, Steve Warner who writes the hugely successful blog The Brown Road Chronicles. As you know, the massive popularity and growth of this blog has put the spotlight brightly on Mr. Warner as suspicions of doping and the use of banned blogging substances and methods has been swirling around members of the WordPress community.

Okay, Mr. Warner, so when we met a week ago today, we agreed that there would be no holds barred, there would be no conditions on this interview, and that this would be an open field.

ME: I think that’s best for both of us.

OPRAH: I agree. So here we go, open field. So let’s start with the questions people all over the world have been waiting for you to answer.

ME: Okay.

OPRAH: Okay. This whole conversation, we have a lot of time, will be about the details, Yes or No. Did you ever take substances to enhance your blogging performance?

ME:  Yes… wine…

OPRAH: Wine?!? So you have used Alcohol while blogging?

ME: Mostly just wine.

OPRAH: Okay, I get it… you like wine… but have you ever used any banned substances?

ME: No, I don’t think so, I did try BlogGro once…

OPRAH: BlogGro? What is that? Is that a banned substance?

ME: No, I don’t think so. I didn’t work anyway. I think it was just one of those Infomercial Scams. They charged me like $12.95 for the shipping and handling fee. Plus, even though the whole thing was totally guaranteed, totally refundable, like most people I never sent it back.

OPRAH: Did you ever use any banned substances like Plaigerisimone or Copynpasterone to improve your blogging performance?

ME: No.

OPRAH: When you won all your blogging awards, like the Versatile Blogger Award and the Stylish Blogger Award were you under the influence of any banned substances?

ME: Sometimes wine…

OPRAH: LOOK, QUIT IT WITH THE WINE, WINE IS NOT A BANNED SUBSTANCE …

ME: I know, but I’m funnier when I’ve had wine.

OPRAH: Look, can we please get back on track here?

ME: Sorry.

OPRAH: Okay, so, you’ve never used any banned substances. Have you ever used any other illegal methods to improve your blogging performance?

ME: Well, I did go see a Therapist one time when I wasn’t feeling very funny. That helped a little.

OPRAH: Last I checked, seeing a therapist was not illegal.

ME: No, you’re probably right…

OPRAH: When you were Freshly Pressed, were you under the influence of any banned substances?

ME: Ummm… I’ve never been Freshly Pressed.

OPRAH: Seriously?!?

ME: I know, right?!?

OPRAH: Okay, so then let’s back up a little… have you ever used any banned substances in an effort to become Freshly Pressed?

ME: Ummm… uhhhh….. ummm….

OPRAH: You seem sort of nervous all of a sudden.

ME: Ummm… uhhhh….

OPRAH: Mr Warner, I’ll ask again, have you ever used any banned substances in an effort to become Freshly Pressed?

ME: Ummm… uhhhh….

OPRAH: I’m waiting…..

ME: (Silence)

OPRAH: Mr. Warner have you been using Freshlypresstosterone?

ME: (trying to change subject) Have you heard that story about the Notre Dame Football player with the fake girlfriend……?

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The Historic Duel Between Anna Phylaxis and Epinephrine Penn

‘Long time ago in the wild, wild West.
Lived a tough ol’ gal, a woman possessed.
Dun lived by the gun, the fassest around.
‘Fore you could draw, you’d be dead on the ground.

Anna Phylaxis, the name of this gal.
She ruled the roost in this wild West locale.
Them residents knew when she rolled into town.
Lock all ‘ur doors and shut the town down.

Now the name of this town, Allérgiaville.
A dusty ol’ town on the top of a hill.
Used to be families could build ‘em a life.
Avoidin’ them usual struggles and strife.

But lately when Anna Phylaxis come through.
Ain’t nearly the town that most of ‘em knew.
Streets were deserted, business shut down.
They needed a hero to save their small town.

Then one day a man, Epinephrine Penn.
“Epi” a nick name he used now ‘n then.
He rode into town, tall on his horse.
A Stetson sat up on his head, well , of course!

Now Epi had dealt with more than his share.
Of the criminal sort, he was tough as a bear.
Anna Phylaxis? He wasn’t afraid.
Her welcome, he knew it been long overstayed.

So he tied up his horse, knew right where to go.
The Tavern, where all of the liquor would flow.
The toughest of tough’d be there every day.
Booze they would drink and cards they would play.

Epi opened the door and glanced ’round the bar.
Saw Anna Phylaxis sitting afar.
Tossin’ back glasses-a-whiskey and beer.
No one around ‘er, a circle of fear.

He called to her, said, “your time here is done!”
“This town wasn’t meant to be ruled by the gun!”
“I challenge you now, risk my very last breath!”
“A fight for this town, a duel to the death!”

That bar, was a-silent with this stunning decree.
The aisle opened up like the parting Red Sea!
As Anna stood up, her vict’ry implied.
Hand on ‘er gun, she stumbled outside.

There in the road, they stood eye t’ eye.
Twenty-five steps ‘til the bullets would fly.
On the twenty-fifth step, turn ‘round and fire.
One will survive, one will expire!

So they turned back to back and started to count…

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25….

And on that twenty-fifth step they turn’d round ‘n drew.
The townspeople watched as them bullets, they flew.
When the dust finally cleared Epinephrine Penn.
Had saved this small town, to thrive once again.

‘Cause Anna Phylaxis would no more be ‘round.
A shot to her heart, she lay dead on the ground.
Without further ado, Epinephrine Penn.
Rode out-a-town…

To be seen… never again!

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Have you lost your Head?

We haven’t had much snow this year.  Just an inch or two here and there. When the first snow fell, my son went outside and rolled up this big snowball. Because that’s what boys do. As there was only a few inches of snow on the ground, the ball accumulated all the leftovers from the fall, leaves and sticks and dirt and pine needles.

snowman1

I noticed yesterday that it kind of looks like a face.  When you back up a little bit it looks even more like a face.

snowman2

When you back up farther it looks even more like a face.  It looks like a snowman “buried in the sand.” I bet if I were to dig down 10 feet there would be a body underneath, dressed up in elegant charcoal buttons and with long crooked walnut tree branches for arms. Kind of like when archeologist’s discovered that the Easter Island Statues had bodies buried deep in the earth.

snowman3

I can’t tell if it’s happy or sad, surprised or mad.  I think it’s watching us though… or maybe watching over us.  It stares at our house from about 100 feet away.  I bet if the moon ever landed in our yard it would look like this… except much larger! I wonder if there’s a snowman somewhere that needs a head.

Perhaps I’ll advertise this on Craigslist!

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I need a new slogan!

I’ve decided I need a new slogan.

If you look up at the top of the page you’ll see my header. Now I’m not sure I’m interested in changing the whole header. It’s been around for a few years but I still think it’s pretty good. Instead, if you read the fine print at the bottom, you’ll see it says:

Stories about country living, old houses, dirt roads, raising kids and other amusing and inspirational anecdotes!

Lame…

Sure, that’s probably what it was about three years or so ago when this whole adventure started. Sometimes it’s still about some of those topics. On the other hand, sometimes that slogan fits about as well as the pair of designer jeans I just had to retire because I couldn’t get the button fastened.

Yeah… can you say… New Years Resolution?!?

Anyhow, as you know I could go out and hire my marketing agency, the creative types that produced this fabulous radio advertisement and these extra-fabulous t-shirt designs.  But frankly they are very expensive.  So I am looking for some advice, guidance and feedback on what this blog is really about.

Plus, I have recently become the proud new owner of the domain name; http://www.brownroadchronicles.com, so I feel like I’m a lot more important and successful than I usually think I am.

Now, a disclaimer: this is NOT A CONTEST. You will not win a pair of fuzzy dice or a bar of goats-milk soap or a Brown Road Chronicles t-shirt. I’m sorry! I don’t have the organizational capacity to run a contest.  Some of you are very good at running contests and giveaways. I’m very good at not running contests.  I’m just looking for some input even if you say “that’s a great slogan, don’t change it!” I may not use any of the ideas, but if you participate you will have my eternal love and gratitude which many of you have already… and what better prize is there?

So, there you have it!

Please keep it clean… this is a family site!

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