A Research Paper on the Long Term Effects of Spanking Your Monkey

Reblogged from the Journal of the Academy of Primate Behavioral Studies

A Research Paper on the Long Term Effects of Spanking Your Monkey

Psychologists and Child Development researchers have been analyzing data on the long-term effects of spanking your children for over six decades. The conclusions derived from this intensive collaboration is that parents who spank their children risk causing long-term harm that outweighs the short-term benefits of child obedience.

With this crucial information at hand, we at the Society for Primates And their Natural Kin (SPANK), a worldwide think tank promoting the proper treatment and care of pet monkeys and other primates, had long believed that adequate research was sorely lacking on the long-term effects of spanking your monkey. Now we understand that the proliferation of owning monkeys as household pets has been declining since its initial growth period during the 1940’s, with the popularity of the Curious George series of children’s books, to its peak in the late 1970’s – early 1980’s, when the hit Television show “BJ and the Bear” was airing.

Still, although solid data has been difficult to obtain about monkey ownership, our research suggests that there are over 100,000 homes with pet monkeys in the United States alone, a significant number, albeit a small percentage of the overall world population of pet monkeys. Said lead SPANK researcher Jacque D’Auffe, MD, PhD; “We honestly believe that the estimate of roughly 100,000 households with pet monkeys in the United States is on the low side. But as you have probably inferred from a multitude of television series, movies and books, monkeys have historically been troublesome little critters to keep as pets, with Curious George being a prime example. So when you look at those kinds of numbers and factor in the significant behavioral issues that most monkeys bring to the table, as an organization, we were terribly concerned that there could potentially be lots of folks out there spanking their monkeys.”

“We believed we needed to address that situation” added Chinese Animal Psychologist and SPANK Research Fellow, Wai Xing Mi Dong, PhD. “We knew that children, who are spanked on a regular basis in a structured situation of corporal punishment by their parents, tend to become aggressive, delinquent and have mental health problems not only in childhood, but into their adulthood. Why had we not correlated that the aggressive, delinquent and mentally unstable behavior that monkeys often present is not a direct result of people spanking their monkeys?”

According to SPANK spokesperson Jill Initoff, the organization believes that civilized societies in general need to re-evaluate why we believe it is reasonable to spank our monkeys or any of our pets for that matter. Said Initoff, “in thousands and thousands of interviews we have found links between spanking and a variety of negative behaviors or experiences, including aggression, anti-social behavior and mental health problems.”  The one positive result of spanking that she identified was quick resolution of the situation at hand.

“Sure, spanking may bring an immediate result and may seem like an easy solution” she added. “Our studies suggest, however, that over the long-term, spanking does not result in any positive behavioral changes. Perhaps more importantly, those who are doing the spanking, often feel significant feelings of guilt and remorse which can have long-term consequences of its own.”

A few major Animal Rights organizations, including the Organization for the Optimal Handling of Animals Holistically and Humanely (OOH AHH), have taken an official stance against corporal punishment by pet owners, especially against monkeys which have a tendency to respond in a much more negative and aggressive fashion when spanked regularly.

Said OOH AHH President Hans Jobbe, “when a pet owner is in a situation where they’re considering spanking their pet, especially if that pet is a monkey … stop for a moment — count to 10, whatever it takes.” Jobbe cautioned that his findings do not imply that all monkeys who are spanked turn out to be aggressive or delinquent. But he contended that spanking, on its own, does not teach a pet monkey right from wrong and may not deter them from misbehaving when their owners are not present.

“In conclusion”, said D’Auffe, “SPANK researchers have concluded that until pet owners and more specifically, pet monkey owners, can legitimately conclude that spanking your monkey does not have negative long-term psychological effects on both the animals and those doing the spanking, we cannot condone spanking your monkey as a responsible method of behavioral control and reinforcement. As an organization, we have been implementing significant efforts to discourage having monkeys as household pets as we believe, like all exotic animals, monkeys were meant to live and thrive in the wild, not in people’s homes.

Added Initoff, “as long as we continue to witness a significant decrease in the glamorous representation of monkey ownership through books like the Curious George series, movies and television shows like BJ and the Bear and the pet monkey Clyde, in the Clint Eastwood movies, we believe we should also continue to see decreases in the prominence of monkey spanking.”

Ummmm… what did you think they were talking about??

22 Comments

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22 responses to “A Research Paper on the Long Term Effects of Spanking Your Monkey

  1. Cheryl

    OMG! For a minute there I thought you’d partaken of the New Year libations a little early. LOL! Happy New Year everyone!

  2. My goodness, Steve. Your work simply exudes adequacy! And I love the daffy metaphors they use in those stat reports.

    “If all the views of The Brown Road Chronicles were interactively-connected electron microscopes, a researcher could look back in time to the formation of the first subatomic particle. If all your readers were placed end to end in the direction of Cleveland, it would only take 5 hours to get there in a sled pulled by grasshoppers…”

    See you next year!

  3. Good stuff, Steve, as usual. Looking forward to reading more of your stuff in 2013!

  4. AHHH!HA!HA!HAAA!Very funny!
    Happy New Year, Steve!

  5. F-ing brilliant! You had me at SPANK! Great post – Thank you for the laughs and Happy New Year!

  6. Richard Wiseman

    Very good… very very good… very, very funny… an ‘ennuindo’ to the year. Personally I’m concerned about snake ownership and how many people buy snakes, but don’t handle them. I’d like to see some reasearch into the dangers of not stroking the snake. Do unstroked snakes become unresponsive after a while? Surely giving your snake a good stroke, from end to end, handling it regularly I mean, will keep it active and flexible.

  7. Good start to the New Year, Steve! As for those blog stats – it is the quality, not the quantity that counts. Let that be our mantra for yet another year!

  8. Thanks for this. I’m sure the monkeys appreciate your efforts to enlighten the public of their inhumane treatment. Monkeys belong in the wild, and if they are to be spanked, it should be there, not in homes where they can become violent and attack their owners. I hope all the people who own monkeys that read this will go outside and free them. Expose your monkey to the outside word. Let it free.

  9. I’m pretty sure I just sat in a meeting room with a bunch of wild monkeys. Anyway, I just wanted to remind you that most pet monkey owners will tell you that if you spank them too often, they will eventually rebel and fling poo at you.

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