Monthly Archives: June 2012

Roadkill Stew

This is the tale of Billy O’Hill.
Who lived all his life in the town of Saville.
In a lil ‘ol cabin, he’d made his abode.
At the end of the dirtiest, dirty, dirt road.

Now Billy O’Hill had been married a time.
To a girl named Pearl, a lady sublime.
But Pearl’d got sick, dun gone up to heaven.
Ten long years ago, or maybe eleven.

So he kept to hisself, stayed mostly alone.
‘Cept for his pooch who he called Al Capone.
And a few of his friends that he’d see now’n then.
Down at the coffee shop now’n again.

The Hill Top Cafe is what it been named.
Cornbread and Johnny Cakes what they was famed.
They’d sit there fer hours not talkin’ ‘bout much.
‘Cept for some gossip and weather and such.

And on his way yonder he’d pass by the house.
Of the purtiest lady, as cute as a mouse.
She’d sit on her porch, a-sippin’ her tea.
In the shade of a giant magnolia tree.

See Billy O’Hill had a crush on this lady.
A purty ol’ girl named Myrtle O’Grady.
She lived in a house in the center of town.
Where them wealthy folks lived, the rich and renown.

But he never could git up the nerve to suggest,
“Wouldya meet me for coffee, I’d surely be blessed?”
‘Cuz what would a girl so swanky and chic,
See in a guy “from the hills”, so to speak?

So Billy would wave as he briskly walked by.
He wouldn’t say nuthin’, cuz he was right shy.
When Myrtle would smile her purtiest smile.
Billy’d be floatin’ on air for awhile.

Then one day he asked for some friendly advice.
From his closest of friends, named Earl Versluice.
‘Cuz everyone privy knew Earl could charm.
Like a rooster that woos all them hens on a farm.

Now Earl had fetchin’ advice to impart.
“The stomach’s the way to a good woman’s heart!”
“Let’s throw a party like we used to do.”
“Invite all our friends, we’ll serve roadkill stew.”

“Every-un brings somethin’ fresh that they’ve found.”
“From the side of the road, just plain dead on the ground.”
“Squirrel or coon or rabbit or beaver.”
“We’ll slice ‘em all up with a very large cleaver!”

“We’ll mix in some collards and veggies and rice.”
“Add in some ‘shine to give it some spice.”
“We’ll invite Ms. O’Grady to join us that day.”
“Then you can dun meet her, whatdaya say?”

So Billy went home, started makin’ a list.
Of who’d be invited and who could be missed.
At the end of the list he penned really neat.
“Myrtle O’Grady”, the list was complete.

He wrote out the invites, said R.S.V.P.
We’re throwin’ a party on Sunday ‘bout three.
We’ll serve roadkill stew and plenty-a ‘shine.
I’ll break outta jug of my dandelion wine.

Then he mailed ‘em all out and dun prayed for the best.
Would Myrtle O’Grady show up for this fest?
When the day dun arrived, his friends all came through.
They’d all brung some roadkill to add to the stew.

Ms. Blossom brung possum…

June brung raccoon…

Mr. Monk brung a skunk…

Mr. Babbitt brung rabbit…

Jake brung some snake…

Mr. Weaver brung Beaver…

And his best friend Earl? Well, Earl, he dun brung lots of Squirrel…

Then Myrtle arrived and the place got real quiet.
What had she brung, would anyone try it?
Every’un watched as she walked through the door.
She carried a bag from a fancy clothes store!

She handed that bag to Billy O’Hill.
Who opened ‘er up with the most gracious skill.
And Billy looked in and dun said with a grin.
I reckon Ms. Myrtle O’Grady fits in!

‘Cuz Myrtle…

Well… Myrtle… she brung Turtle.

In fact… she dun brung the freshest, most purtiest turtle, bigger’n any of ‘em had ever seen!

So they cooked up the stew ‘n that party was grand!
And Billy’n Myrtle hit it off just as planned.
And the rest be dun history, them guests they all knew.
That Billy and Myrtle fell in love over stew!

Listen to the Audio Version!

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So Many Days Before

One day he woke up an old man.
He rolled over in his bed and saw his wife was not there.
But he knew she had awoken before him and gone downstairs.
Just as she had so many days before.

He rolled his old, worn body out of his bed.
And rubbed away the remaining sleep from his  eyes.
Arthritic pain and stiffness reared its ugly head.
Just as it had so many days before.

A glance in the mirror revealed deep creases in his skin.
He wondered where those wrinkles had come from.
He remembered the days when he seemed invincible to aging.
Just as he  had so many days before.

Downstairs the windows were opened wide.
And a fresh, cool, country morning breeze was flowing through.
He felt blessed for another day of reasonable health.
Just as he had so many days before.

His wife glanced up at him from the other room.
Her long gray hair in a  pony tail and glasses perched on her nose.
She paused from her book, smiled and said “good morning”.
Just as she had so many days before.

In the kitchen he poured a cup of coffee.
Into his favorite coffee mug with its brown stained porcelain.
The deep, rich aroma awakened his senses.
Just as it had so many days before.

As he took the first sip from the coffee cup.
He stared out the window at the fenced pasture outside.
Where his animals would be spending their day grazing.
Just as they had so many days before.

For a moment he thought about his children.
He wondered what they would be doing today.
Spending their hours working hard and raising his grandchildren.
Just as they had so many days before.

He wondered what the weather was like where they lived.
Whether it would be sunny and warm or rainy and cold.
And he missed them and wished they lived closer.
Just as he had so many days before.

He thought about what he might do today.
What activities would  fill the many hours available to him.
He remembered the days when so much freedom seemed implausible.
Just as he had so many days before.

He was reminded of those years when there just wasn’t enough time.
When excuses for putting things off were readily available.
He thought about some of the things that he’d never accomplished.
Just as he had so many days before.

But in reality he knew he had accomplished so much.
He knew that he had lived and loved and been a good husband and father.
He knew he could still write words that might have a small effect on someone.
Just as he had so many days before.

So he sat down at his computer and began typing.
The dark veins in his hands pulsed through his thinning, aged skin.
It reminded him of his grandmother’s hands when he was a boy.
Just as it had so many days before.

He typed a post about life and love and growing old.
A post about finding the time to do the things that are important to you.
The words flowed onto his computer screen effortlessly.
Just as they had so many days before.

When he finished he knew that he had produced something meaningful.
He knew he had written something small, yet substantive and important.
Words that would be eagerly read and digested by friends and strangers.
Just as they had so many days before.

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Lions and Gargoyles and… Hot Chicks?

There’s a few houses around my area that have large cement statues of lions or gargoyles in front of them.  Now guarding your home with large cement statues if you have a lot of money and prestige, I guess is okay… but these folks have meager ranch houses that really are uncharacteristic of such statuesqueness. What kind of an egotistical douchebag would you have to be to put these atrocities in front of your house.

So, I decided since I’m a very famous, high profile blogger, I thought I might put some large cement statues in front of my house.  I went to my local cement statue retailer and discussed this with them. As they have had issues with people making rash decisions like buying gigantic lions and getting them home and realizing that they were too big for their double wide, they made me go through an extensive interview process to be sure that I picked the proper cement statues. In addition they were able to give me some mock-ups and product descriptions of a few of my top choices so that I could make an educated decision as to which would be best suited for my particular needs.

I’m hoping you can offer some feedback as to which you think is best.

Here’s my top choices…

1. Gargoyles:

Our #1 best selling statues! Gargoyles are a good choice for neighborhoods, or homes in the country. Able to ward off all kind of solicitors including Jehovahs, vacuum salespeople and Girl Scouts.

2. Lions:

A Best seller! Show up your neighbors by surrounding your driveway with these elegant Lion statues. If you didn’t feel like the king of your jungle before hand, you will now! Guaranteed to give you the hard earned reputation of biggest prick on the block… and who wouldn’t want that?

3. Neptunes:

Who doesn’t love the God of the Sea? These statues will make you feel like the God of your neighborhood. Special bonus: Comes with your own personal Trident that you can use to stab the neighbor kids when they trespass in your yard!

4. Hot Chicks:

Are you man enough to have these two hot chicks gracing your front yard? Show the guys in your neighborhood who wears the pants in your relationship. Or in the case of these statues, who doesn’t wear the pants!

Let me  know what you think, I hope to have these delivered next week!

 

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It’s Not the Size of the Ship…

Okay look, this is hard to admit… but I’ve admitted worse things here at Brown Road Chronicles… so I’m gonna just come right out and say it…

I’m starting to feel a little inadequate… okay, not just a little inadequate… totally inadequate… like really fucking totally inadequate… because mine just isn’t very big. In fact after seeing some of these other ones, I think mine is just plain small! Like… really freakin’ small! I’ve always felt so good about it too, like it was one of the bigger ones, something I could be proud of and show off… and even tell my friends about.  But lately I’ve seen some on-line that are just freakin’ huge! I don’t know how they grew them to be that big. I mean I’ve been working really hard on mine, but it just doesn’t seem to be growing. It was growing for a little while, but lately it has just sort of plateaued and frankly I’m coming to realize that it never really was that big in the first place. I guess I had just told myself it was big… huge even… but it’s clearly not.

My wife even said to me the other day, “Steve, it’s not really as big as you think it is, you’re giving it a lot more credit than it really warrants, and I’ve certainly spent some time with it. I mean, don’t get me wrong, its great and all and you do a great job with it… but it’s pretty small compared to what else is out there.”

Wow, talk about a blow to the ego… my own wife has even noticed. I’ve tried everything too, taken the recommendations of all the experts on ways to increase its size, did the exercises, spent the money on the gimmicks. But I guess those recommendations just don’t really work, well at least they haven’t worked in my case.  I don’t know… I’ll admit it can be a little frustrating. At least it hasn’t started shrinking yet.

I know, I know… I can hear you saying it… it’s not the size that’s really important. I know… really I do. What’s that old saying, “it’s not the size of the ship…” Okay look, I get that, I understand that it’s the relationships and the way you use it to develop those relationships. It’s the response you get to it. It’s the presentation. It’s making someone happy with it. It’s what you get out of it personally.  It’s the release you get from it. Sure, I know it’s all those things, but let’s face it… that’s all so cliché… we all know that the size is important… it just is… especially in this ego driven world we live in. The bigger the better, right?  We all may say the size isn’t important, but we all know it is. It’s what drives us, it’s what gets us up in the morning, it’s what keeps us coming back day after day.

I saw this ad the other day… It seems legit, so I was thinking I might give it a try.

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Zen and the Art of Home Maintenance

Clerk:  Good morning sir! Welcome to Home Depot, is there something I can help you find today?

Me:  Yes, I’m looking for the Zen.

Clerk:  Excuse me?

Me:  The Zen.  Can you tell me where I can find the Zen.

Clerk:  I’m sorry sir, I don’t understand what you are asking, is that like a brand of something?

Me:  No… not a brand… Zen… like in the book…

Clerk:  Uhhhh… the book?

Me:  Yes, the  book… “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance”… have you read it?

Clerk:  No sir, I’m only 20, I’ve never heard of that book.

Me:  Oh… well, I haven’t read it all either…  I tried reading it five or six times when I was your age, but could never finish it. It was very complicated. Anyhow, from what I remember, the main character was always able to fix his motorcycle and keep everything in tip-top shape, while his friend’s motorcycle was always breaking down.

Clerk:  Okay… uhhh… so what does that have to do with what brought you in here today?

Me:  Well… everything is breaking.

Clerk:  What do you mean, everything is breaking?

Me:  At my house, everything is breaking. I have this list of things that have broken and need to be fixed, but I just can’t seem to get to all of it anymore.  I used to think it was fun to fix things, but now it’s just not interesting anymore.  Here… look at this list… there’s like fifty things on this list… dishwasher, bedroom screens, window cranks, electrical sockets, storm door window, lawn mower, security light, barn door handle, downstairs shower…

Clerk:  interrupts  Yeah, yeah, okay, I get it…

Me: I was hoping I could find some Zen and that might help me… you know… get everything fixed back up.

Clerk:  Yeah… okay… uhhhh… let me get my manager, maybe he can help.

A few minutes later

Manager: Hello sir! Welcome to Home Depot, how can I help you today?

Me: Well, everything at my house is breaking and I can’t seem to get it all fixed… so I’m looking for the Zen.

Manager: I’m sorry sir, what is the Zen?

Me:  Zen… like in the book…

Manager:  Uhhhh… the book?

Me:  Yes, the  book… “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance”… have you read it?

Manager: Ohhhh, I see….. yes, I have read it… you know, sir… it doesn’t really have much to do with Zen… or motorcycle maintenance… or even maintenance in general. It is really an essay on the subject of quality and how quality is the source of our perception of things… you know, rightness and wrongness… it’s about thinking dualistically, separating mind from matter… and how when we have feelings of uncertainty… well, that is the very thing that we should engage, in order to learn more about truth and about ourselves.  You sound like someone who enjoys your home romantically, right? What I mean by that is… you enjoy the experience you feel when you’re in the home or out in the yard, the feeling you get when the wind is whistling through the windows or a soft snowfall is falling outside and a warm fire is crackling in your fireplace. On the other hand, some people enjoy their home classically, they understand and are compelled by the structure of it and all its working parts, how the rooms flow together in a seamless workable format. This was addressed in the book…  see the main character was always focused classically on his motorcycle, the mechanics of it and keeping it well maintained, while his friends were only focused on the romantic part of the journey, the wind in their hair, the picturesque scenery. You see, a person with a classical understanding sees the world and it’s underlying structure, while a person with a romantic understanding sees only the outside appearance, the instant gratification. This is all covered in the book… of course, that endless search for quality is what drove the main character in sane… that’s sort of the premise of the story… what leads him on their bike trip in the first place.  So I don’t think it’s Zen you are after… I think you just need to find that balance between a classical definition of your inner existence and psyche and a romantic definition… and in doing so, attempt to bridge the gap between humanity and science and resolve the metaphysical definition of quality… does that make sense?

Me:  Uhhh… no, not really… so you don’t have Zen?

Manager:  No I’m sorry sir, we don’t have Zen… is there anything else I can help you with?

Me:  Can you tell me where I can find the duct tape?

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Hilarious or Hysterical?!?

Do you think I am hilarious? Or even better, do you think I am hysterical?

Many of us, including myself, use these words interchangeably. In fact, I probably use the word hysterical more frequently than the word hilarious. As in “dude, that post was hysterical!”

But I got to wondering which was the appropriate word to use in a situation where you find one of my posts funny… or I find one of your posts funny.

So I did a little research.

Hilarious means: marked by or causing hilarity; extremely funny.

Hilarity means: cheerfulness; mirthfulness; boisterous gaiety or merriment.

If you weren’t sure, like I wasn’t, mirthfully means: joyous; gay; jolly: a mirthful laugh; providing mirth; amusing: a mirthful experience.

On the other hand…

Hysterical means: of, pertaining to, or characterized by hysteria; uncontrollably emotional; irrational from fear, emotion, or an emotional shock; causing hysteria; suffering from or subject to hysteria.

Hysteria means: a psychoneurosis marked by emotional excitability and disturbances of the psychic, sensory, vasomotor, and visceral functions; behavior exhibiting overwhelming or unmanageable fear or emotional excess.

With all that in mind and after reading through some older posts… well… I guess I don’t really know which is the appropriate word.

So I thought I’d take a poll:

 

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Sunday Search Term Limericks

Here’s five fun limericks based on some of this weeks most intriguing search terms. Warning: may contain R-rated material and potty jokes and/or references to Men from Nantucket.

The links are where these folks likely ended up.

1.
“Peanut butter and jelly fine dining”
You searched this as your wife was pining
For a meal with her beau
But you had little dough
And your chances of sex were declining

2.
You didn’t know quite what to do
You had clogged up your girlfriends loo
So while staring at turds
You typed in the words
“flushing an unflushable poo”

3.
You had run over someone’s cat
The sound it made, something like SPLAT!
Now your tire looked low
But you didn’t quite know
So you searched the words “is my tire flat”

4.
You pulled out your favorite tubes
From your basket of sexual lubes
But something was creeping
A rodent was peeping
So you searched “squirrel looking at boobs”

5.
You were selected to be on a panel
For a show on the Hillbilly channel
But your knowledge was short
Of your part to report
So you searched “stoned goat wearing flannel”

Perhaps I’ll have to turn this into a weekly feature! Your challenge? Write me a limerick from one of your recent funny search terms. It’s harder than you might think!

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