How to dispose of an unflushable poo

We all have funny search terms that show up on our stats pages. We all have search terms that make us wonder how those particular terms actually got someone to click and read our blog.  We all have search terms that show up consistently, over and over again, that drive readers to certain posts that we have written that most likely don’t contain the relevant information that the reader was searching for.  I’ve read many hilarious posts that some of my subscriptions have written based on their search terms and I’ve written one or two myself during the life of this blog.

On one hand, I try not to write posts that are based on my search terms.  Somehow I feel like it’s cheating, like it’s too easy. I feel like I’m not generating my own idea for a post and I’m not forcing myself to use my own creativity to drive the writing. On the other hand, sometimes they just have to be addressed.

Yesterday someone arrived to my blog by typing the following search term:

how to dispose of an unflushable poo

Now, as you surely know, an unflushable poo is a very complex and serious situation.  If we step back a moment and analyze the terms, we can infer the following:

1. The searcher has just taken a “poo”. We are not able to determine the size of the poo, but clearly the distinct terminology, specifically the use of the word “unflushable” leads us to believe that the searcher has taken not just a regular sized poo, but a very large, possibly enormously sized poo.

2. The searcher has already determined that the poo is unflushable meaning he has already tried flushing it. Of course there is the slim possibility that the searcher took the poo, turned around and saw that is was such a mammoth poo and made the immediate, rash judgment that is was unflushable, but experience tells us that most people would make the attempt to flush the poo.

3. As it seems clear that the searcher was able to make the attempt to flush the poo, we can conclude that the searcher is not involved in a situation where there is a power outage or plumbing issue.

4. The searcher is trying to figure out how to remove the poo from the toilet and “dispose” of it via some other method, perhaps by washing it down the sink, putting it into a trash container, or throwing the poo out of a window. It is unclear whether the searcher is still standing in the bathroom whilst in a deep panic, and using his smart phone to search while the water rapidly fills up the toilet, or if the searcher has had the opportunity to leave the bathroom and search on an actual computer. Regardless, it is likely the searcher has not yet washed his hands.

5. We cannot determine this with 100% certainty, but it is likely the searcher is not in his home. Instead, it seems reasonable to assume that the searcher is in the home of someone else and is concerned about the possible embarrassment involved in having to admit to having taken an “unflushable poo”.  We can be quite certain the searcher is not in a public bathroom, where unflushable poos are frequently left with total disregard to the people who must use the bathroom at a later time.

With these facts at hand we come to the following conclusion:

The searcher has recently arrived at the apartment of the woman that he met on Match.com. The couple has just completed a successful night out, that included fine dining on steaks and seafood, several bottles of expensive wine, two fabulous desserts, a couple of shots of Grand Marnier, a little footsie under the table, and some romantic hand holding on the walk back to her home through the city park.  Upon arriving at the woman’s apartment, she has asked the searcher to come inside for a nightcap.  While sitting on the couch, the searcher begins having massive stomach cramps and realizes that he has to use the bathroom.  The searcher excuses himself, walks to the bathroom, sits down on the toilet and takes the unflushable poo. When finished, the searcher flushes the toilet, begins walking towards the sink, only to briefly look back and see the unflushable poo still in the bowl. The searcher panics as all chances of getting laid are quickly flying out the window.  With the door to the bathroom locked, the searcher pulls out his phone, types in “how to dispose of an unflushable poo” and ends up at The Brown Road Chronicles and my post titled “Top 10 things I learned during Ice Storm 2011.”

That’s all we can decipher from the available data.  I don’t know what happened next… but I hope he comes back and subscribes to my blog some day.

You are welcome to speculate in your comments!

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31 Comments

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31 responses to “How to dispose of an unflushable poo

  1. I absolutely think you have arrived at the logical conclusion. We can only hope this new love is able to survive this early adversity.

  2. You used the word “un-flushable” in your ice storm post, and it’s a unique keyword. Way to go on your clever use of SEO! Unflushable poo is a large example of type 2 (of the 7 types) on the Bristol Stool Scale, the official scientific classification method for poo – and the subject of my never-ending, most-reads-of-all-time post. That post has become unflushable too I guess.

  3. Anne Katherine

    My stomach hurts from laughing so much!
    And it would be even funnier if the person would step forward and corroborate the details!

  4. A lot of Russians search my blog for mystical future advice….. I must admit to having porn seekers and wing nuts coming over too…but never had I had a poo problem query. If he should stop by I’ll send him over to Brown Road. Meanwhile, your research monkeys are doing a bang up job! Well done! :)

  5. This is the best ‘search terms’ post I’ve ever read :D
    (but if that guy left that gigantic unflushable in my loo, he’d be out and never seen again. My place is too small to admit a big pooper)

  6. Steve i think this must be the first post i’ve read about ” a crap ” very funny.

  7. Okay, here is an opportunity for invention. The Unflushable Poo Disintegrator. Can’t you just picture the infomercial for that?

    • @ Annie, there is a toilet which does that and is out a long time, its made for a room in the house where you cannot get a sewer pipe to, the poo goes into a mincer and goes out a very small pipe as liquid, the problem is solved.
      I’m a ex-plumber.

      Or else just throw a bucket of water down the toilet :)

      • Well Annie, looks like someone beat us all to it. Have to come up with some other invention to retire on! Hopefully the “very small pipe” still ends up in the sewer or septic tanks, as opposed to just somewhere out in the yard.

      • I was thinking of something in case you are not near a mincer. Like a magic pill you can drop on the poo to annihilate it. Something discrete you can carry in your pocket. ;)

  8. celticadlx

    I have a mincer toilet in my ‘basement’. It works very well. We had a devil of a time trying to find a plumber who would install it. They were all afraid. I too, was laughing out loud at this post! Only you could write so successfully about boobs and unflushable poo, what a man.

  9. That was so funny. Usually when that happens, you can’t find the plunger either…all you can do is watch that water rise. It wasn’t me, I promise….lol

  10. Absolutely hilarious, Steve!!

    “i’m tied up in my panties” is probably the funniest search I ever got. It would make a pretty humorous post, but the story it links to is not funny at all. I actually just shared it for Jason’s Write Wednesday’s.

  11. He may have been an angry and nuerotic parent attempting to punish a wayward child by disposing of a Disney soft toy down the toilet and not really thought it through.

  12. My husband and I sat in our hotel room last night in Amarillo, TX with 2 babies sleeping in pack-n-plays 4 feet away and giggled hysterically. Thanks for that! We needed it!

  13. I certainly hope Mr. Poo-Man was using a Smart Phone. I’d hate to think anyone would stop-up the toilet and rush into the den to consult the internet. OTH, I don’t think a man would use the word ‘poo,’ I think your searcher was female.

  14. Sometimes fecal material is fickle … or indisposed at the moment.

  15. Hilarious – and you have the weirdest mind which I am sure will assist you writing your children’s book immensely!

    How you thought of al that stuff is beyond me, but I love it!

  16. Oh my god, I died laughing at this…

    it’s just..

    epic.

    Thanks for being so damn funny! You should totally write more hilarious stuff like this.

  17. Pingback: Sunday Search Term Limericks | The Brown Road Chronicles

  18. skavop

    5 on your list happened to me. I had to have a conference with the friend whose house I was staying in to figure out a strategy. What a true friend he was – he kept it quiet from the wife, didn’t make a fuss, just handed me a small stick from the garden and told me to get to work. Oh, and we never mentioned it again.

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