I am writing today to make you aware of a very serious issue that needs to be addressed in a most prudent fashion. At my own personal and financial risk I have decided to take the lead on this issue because I think, ultimately the world will be a better place if we can eliminate the rampant discrimination, elitism and stereotyping that currently exists in our society.
Let me begin by introducing you to my World-Famous Goats. This is Naughty and Heath.
The World Famous Goats, Naughty (L) and Heath (R). Naughty does actually have legs, he is just lying down next to a tree.
Now, most of you who are reading, being educated and worldly types, are probably aware that goats have historically held an extremely distinguished and respected stature, beginning with the ancient Greeks and the half goat/half man Greek God Pan.
The Greek God Pan. Not sure who the guy is next to him, but clearly they have hit it off as they both have their pants off.
As you can see in this statue Pan was a beautiful, mythological creature with stunning goat features such as a bearded face and horns, furry goats legs and a great penis, which is important when it comes to earning respect and reverence throughout the ages. For thousands of years since, goats and their ilk, such as the storied Greek Satyrs have lived and been represented with the esteem and honor deserved of such mythic and fabled creatures.
Totally Ripped Satyr Goat/Man with hairy chest and dual horns.
Totally HOT Satyr Goat/Woman. If my goats looked like this I might never leave the barn.
Now because my goats were adopted they didn’t come with any paperwork but I am entirely confident in the assumption that somewhere down the line they have some royal and mythological lineage. I’m here to make sure that they live in a world that respects that lineage.
My issue is this:
It has come to my attention that in the last forty to fifty years there has been a disturbing and sickening movement, whereas goats are being unfairly portrayed as some kind of banjo playing, ass-backwards, hayseed, hillbilly creatures. This is a travesty that needs to be brought to light before any more damage is done. After thoroughly studying this subject, I have discovered that this trend apparently was started by an iconic American cereal company, the Kellogg’s Corporation, with the release of a brand of cereal in the 1960s.
Would you feed this disgusting, atrocious, banjo-spewing filth to your kids?
This cereal, called Kellogg’s Stars, was represented by a mascot that was a hillbilly goat, wearing suspenders and some kind of vile, hobo style hat on his head. Yes, you are reading that correctly! Apparently, the marketing department at Kellogg’s believed it a good idea to utterly disrespect the Greek God Pan, with his great penis, by putting a hillbilly goat on a cereal box! Disgusting! Now I’m a big fan of Kellogg’s and I’d eat Frosted Flakes or Froot Loops all day long if I could, but I find this elitism and stereotypical portrayal reprehensible.
Since the release of this cereal, this tendency to stereotype goats as hillbillies has reached crisis levels. Please review the following examples:
Harmless Goat in Flannel Wife-Beater with Billy-Bob Teeth
1. This is an image of an innocent, harmless goat, wearing not only a flannel, wife-beater shirt, but a pair of Chinese-import, imitation Billy-Bob teeth in his mouth. Seriously… someone thought this was funny? I find it repugnant! Now this is surely a staged photograph but it is still horribly distressing to me that anyone would portray such a mythical creature in such an obscene way.
Hillbilly Goat Costume
2. This is a disgusting, reprehensible Halloween costume that you can buy if you want to continue to violate and disrespect honorable goats around the world and dress as a hillbilly goat for trick-or-treating. Seriously… someone thought this was a good idea? Well I find it offensive and shameful and I would suggest that a trick-or-treater would receive significantly more candy on Halloween dressed as the Greek God Pan with his great penis.
3. All of this was recently culminated in the film Hoodwinked, which has a singing, banjo-playing goat character named Japeth in it that sings “The Goat Song”. You can view snippets of this video on the internet, but there are all kinds of copyright violations involved and because this is a serious issue where my reputation is involved, I don’t want to risk damaging the progress and successes we have begun to reap.
Okay… so admittedly its pretty funny, but I still don’t think it’s right.
Japeth, the goat from Hoodwinked.
There are, of course, thousands of other examples, but as you can see, this unrestrained, wretched stereotyping of goats has become widespread and problematic. As a conscious citizen and goat-owner, I feel it my civic duty to take on this challenge and to attempt to correct the wrongs that have been cast on good, wholesome, mythological goats during this last half century.
As a start I have enlisted the assistance of a highly reputable organization that has experience in these issues.
This is the contact information if you’d like to make a donation to the cause. As payment they will accept cash, credit cards, moonshine and roadkill.
Consortium for Legitamacy and Equity Towards Ungulate Species.
Thanks for your support. I hope you’ll join me in this fight!