MEMO: Changes to Shitting Policies

MEMO

November 25th, 2011

TO:  ALL BROWN ROAD RESIDENTS

RE:  Changes to Shitting Policies

 

As stated in the Brown Road Resident Handbook and Policy Manual; Section 5, Page 24; Shitting Policies:

Any resident (person or animal) that uses the out-of-doors as the primary location for shitting shall have no restrictions on where the particular shitting must occur. As the Brown Road Residence has a reasonably large area of property, Brown Road Management feels it would put undue burden on our residents to specify that out-of-doors shitting only take place in certain areas.

It is these types of flexible and considerate policies that Brown Road Management believes contributes to the well-being and consistent happiness and satisfaction of all of our residents.  However, it has come to our attention that there has been a proliferation of shitting on or in the vicinity of the entryway porch.  Yesterday, to prepare the residence for guests to arrive to share in the annual Thanksgiving Feast, Brown Road Management was required to clean up roughly twenty piles of dog shit from the area immediately surrounding the main residence entryway, as well as sweep up a large volume of goat shit that had been directly deposited on the porch.  Brown Road Management understands that the actual process of shitting can be complicated and can, perhaps catch some of our residents off-guard. However, as the Brown Road Resident Handbook and Policy Manual makes quite clear, Brown Road Management believes we have afforded all of you out-of-doors shitters, plenty of space to do your shitting, approximately three full acres and that it is unnecessary for you to do the vast majority of your shitting in the roughly twenty square feet that our residents and guests must walk through upon entering the residence.

Shitting on or in the vicinity of the entryway porch is problematic for a variety of reasons, those being most notably;

  • It is unkempt and unsanitary.
  • Guests entering the home resemble soldiers traversing a minefield.
  • Independent research has proven that stepping in shit and tracking it into the home has negative ramifications on the well-being of those residents who spend most of their time inside.

Therefore, with sincere and deep regret, Brown Road Management has determined that we must immediately revise the out-of-doors shitting policy as follows:

Any resident (person or animal) that uses the out-of-doors as the primary location for shitting shall be restricted to shitting no closer than 100 feet from any and all high traffic areas. This includes all entryways to the home and barns, picnic tables, seating areas and driveway. We understand that this may put an undue burden on those residents that do the majority of their shitting out-of-doors but in turn we believe that these shitting restrictions are in the best interest of all Brown Road residents.

Violations of this policy will be handled on a case-by-case basis, but in general will follow the steps outlined in the Brown Road Resident Handbook and Policy Manual, Section Seven: Disciplinary Procedures and Corporal Punishment. Please review that section of your manual at your earliest convenience.  We also suggest you print a copy of this memo and add it to your individual handbooks for future reference.

Thank you for your patience and understanding of Brown Road Management’s decisions regarding this regrettable situation.

 

 

16 Comments

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16 responses to “MEMO: Changes to Shitting Policies

  1. This is why I don’t want pets. As soon as the dog dies, that’s it. After 5 babies, I’ve cleaned up enough $hit.

  2. I’m with momfog. I am still cleaning up poop on a daily basis (I babysit a nine month old) So that makes approx. 10 years of nonstop cleaning up of shit. I will never get a pet.

    By the way, if you really want to end the shit-depositing problem may I suggest you change the name of your road? (cue drums and rimshot…ba-dump-dump!)

  3. Let me just say that I’m impressed that you have a written shitting policy and even more impressed that your animals can read. Seems to me that if they can read, they can scoop, don’t you think?

  4. I’d tether them up near the door — at least at night — if weather permits. “Don’t shit where you eat” is often used amongst humans to mean things like don’t mess with the boss’ secretary but it comes from observing dogs. They don’t shit where they eat or sleep. That’s their new feeding area and bed for a couple of weeks. If it doesn’t put them off, then they’re erm…mentally incompetent (seriously–my father was a dog trainer). Even Bobby, who’s well…dumb doesn’t shit where he eats/ sleeps.

  5. I believe your post might be viewed by some as in contravention of Article 1 of the suggested guidelines for getting Freshly Pressed: 1. Write unique content that’s free of bad stuff.
    You certainly have unique content, and I have to say I’ve never seen the word ‘shit’ used so many times without being uselessly repetitive. (I have been known to utter the phrase “Oh Shit, shit, shit!” and certainly the second two shits are repetitive, and add nothing to the meaning.)
    So while the word shit certainly shouldn’t be perceived as ‘bad stuff’, I wonder if the actual product will be deemed ‘bad stuff’.
    Fortunately, you didn’t follow Article 2: Include images or other visuals…

    • * Not every post we bloggers write is written for the approval of Word Press Gods. Some, we actually write for our own satisfaction/entertainment.

      Steve, I support your excessive use of the word shit, and may I further add, who are those shitheads running WordPress, and why do they Re-Freshly Press the same people over and over, and, additionally, they can just go f**k themselves.

      Freedom of Expression also means free from self-censorship just to appease the reigning censors…

      Bloggers – ARISE! Fight for your right to be Freshly Pressed even whilst blurting profanities. Does the Academy of Film and Motion Pictures refuse to award an Oscar to a film, such as The God Father, just because of a few curses and horses heads being chopped off? NO! Do they withhold an Oscar from any actress, such as Haley Berry, just because she got all naked in Monsters Ball and had hot greasy sex with a white guy? NO! Was Gone With The Wind denied fair time in the papers by the Free Press just because Clark Gable cursed in the final scene -”Frankly my Dear, I don’t give a damn!”

      Hell NO!

      Was Ernest Hemmingway denied the Pulitzer because all of his books previous to ‘The Old Man and the Sea’ were family-friendly? Nada. I hardly think when a 34 year old drunk woman sleeps with a 19 year old bullfighter in The Sun Also Rises, that was critically approved as good moral behavior. And Steinbeck, in Grapes of Wrath, hardly a sainted tale, has a starved guy nurse on the breasts of a mother… not something you’d see at your corner Diner, but part of the stuff of great literature. He was awarded the Nobel Prize for his lifetime achievement in Literature, even though Cannery Row contains profanity, drunkeness, pre-marital sex, and frog hunting. Not due to a safe depiction of behavior approved by the church or pundits of 1945.
      Even the description of catching stray cats for use in scientific disections, would cause a violent reaction from the PETA crowd today.

      In closing, I’d just like to reinerate, the promise of making it to the Front Pages of Word Press by supressing our creative flow is just…bullshit. Or goatshit. Whatever. Thank you.

    • Yes Margie I have definitely violated the rules of being Freshly Pressed but that’s okay… sometimes you just have to write about shit!

  6. Bahahahaha, the comments are as awesome as your blog :) Thanks for the chuckle!

  7. I object. As court appointed attorney, representing the outdoor shitters, I say it is illegal for your agency to enact law or libel my clients. A law is not valid until it passes through the Senate and the House of Representatives, which, as we all know, is unlikely. Shit is a gift to the farmer and should be accepted with due graciousness. Any punitive treatment of my clients will be a tort case with severe penalties in civil court.

    Also, my clients take exception to this terminology and have incorporated into the YARF or the Yard Animals Reclaimed Fertilizer Association. YARF the world!

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