The Therapist

DOC:  Hello Steve, go ahead and have a seat on that red couch there… so, what brings you to my office today?

ME:  Well, you see Doc… I’m not funny anymore.

DOC:  Excuse me? You’re not funny anymore?

ME:  Yes, I used to be really funny… you see, I write a blog… it’s called Brown Road Chronicles… have you read it?

DOC:  No, I’m sorry I have not read it… in any case, keep going… tell me why you don’t think you’re funny anymore.

ME:  Yeah, okay… well my blog used to be knee-slapping funny… no, it was even funnier than that… it was piss-your-pants funny… and I could crank out post after post, day after day… just totally funny shit.

DOC:  And now?

ME:  Now… I got nothin’.  My goats don’t even make me laugh anymore.

DOC:  Uhhh… your goats?

ME:  Yeah, I have a couple of goats… but that’s a whole separate session.

DOC:  Okay… well, do you have any thoughts on why you are not able to be funny anymore?

ME:  I don’t know… maybe it’s just hard to be funny all the time… to make people laugh.  I think sometimes being an adult just gets in the way.

DOC:  Yes, I’m sure it can be difficult.  Funny comes from deep down inside you, from the core of your life experiences.  We just need to dig deep into your psyche and find the roots of your funniness. I’d like to hypnotize you and bring you back to your childhood and see if we can uncover some of those roots.

ME:  Sure… whatever works Doc.

DOC:  Okay, I want you to just lay back on the couch and relax, close your eyes and just breath… nice deep breaths… feel the air going in and out… you’re feeling very relaxed… breathe… nice deep breaths… very relaxed… now I am going to count backwards from 10 and you will fall into a deep sleep… 10… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… good… now you are in a deep sleep… you are back to your childhood, I want you to think of some things that you found funny… tell me about where you are?

ME:  I am in my garage… at one of the first houses we lived in Michigan… I’m young, like early elementary school years.

DOC:  And what are you doing in the garage?

ME:  My older brothers and a friend are recording farts on one of those old cassette tape recorders.  They start the tape by saying, “now you may listen to our collection of farts.”  Every time one of them has to fart they push down the record button and let it rip.  Then every once in a while they’ll play back the whole tape… you know… to see how it’s all coming together… it’s totally hilarious… I have tears in my eyes from laughing so much.

DOC:  Excellent, excellent… yes, very good… farts are funny… that’s very good Steve.  Let’s try to find something else… can you look forward a few more years?

ME:  Okay, now I’m in Pennsylvania, in a grocery store with my grandmother and my two brothers and my cousin… were visiting our relatives… I’m probably in about 3rd grade or so.  Us four boys, we’re in the baking aisle… and we find a bottle that says “Pure Anise Extract” on it.  Of course, we think it says “anus extract”.  We’re laughing our fucking asses off… rolling around the aisle, like hooligans… we keep repeating it… “pure anus extract… pure anus extract” and howling with laughter… it’s totally freakin’ funny…

DOC:  That is very funny… then what happens?

ME:  Then my grandmother comes around the corner and figures out what we are laughing at… she was fucking pissed… she goes ballistic on us… chewed our asses out… right in the middle of the god damn grocery store… that was funny shit though… we still talk about that story as adults.

DOC:  Excellent… very good Steve… now let’s go to your middle school years… anything funny there?

Me:  Yeah…  I’m standing in the kitchen at our house on Long Island, with two of my close friends.  One of them dares the other guy to eat a spoonful of flour… you know… a harmless prank amongst friends… we didn’t have any idea what would happen.

DOC:  Okay… that’s very good… pranks are always good fun… so what happened?

ME:  Well, he puts this gigantic spoonful of flour in his mouth, not like a little teaspoon, but a big soup spoon full… you know how dry that shit is… then he can barely swallow it… mix in a little saliva and it’s turning to cement right in his mouth… we’re like freakin’ out thinking this poor guy is gonna choke to death… he’s like gagging and choking… it was freakin’ hilarious!

DOC:  Did everything turn out okay?

ME:  Yeah, he eventually got it all down…

DOC:  I’m glad to hear that… okay, very good Steve… now, let’s look forward a little more at your high school years.

ME:  Yeah… okay… it’s late on a Summer night… I’m hanging out with my brothers and some friends and we’re drinking some beers.  A few weeks earlier, one of the older guys had stolen this five foot plastic palm tree from an outdoor, tropical themed bar they sometimes hung out at… so now we’re all wasted, and one of us decides we should take the tree and plant it in one of our buddies front yards… we grab a shovel and sneak over there in the dark, dig a hole in their yard and plant this plastic palm tree… right dead center in their front yard… hilarious!

DOC:  I’m not sure vandalism is that funny Steve… so what happened?

ME:  Turns out they didn’t think it was that funny either.

DOC:  Yes, I can imagine… but that’s very good Steve… good, funny memories… finally, how about during your college age years, anything come to mind there…

ME:  Oh man… where do I start?  Okay… I’m sitting outside in my back yard at my house… same house on Long Island… my parents threw this big party every summer… we called it The Hootenanny… we’d sit around all day eating and drinking and playing guitars and singing, swimming in the pool, playing basketball… tons of people would come, friends, family, everybody we knew.

DOC:  Okay, that’s very good… but tell me the funny part…

ME:  Well after most of the guests are gone, the hardcore partiers… you know, all the college aged guys and girls would sit around drinking… and smoking cigars… and then someone decides to light a fart… have you ever lit a fart?

DOC:  Ahhh… fascinating… farts seem to be a recurring theme here… that’s very good Steve.  But uhhh… no, I’m sorry I can’t say that I have ever lit a fart… I’m sure that is quite entertaining however!

ME:  Yeah, it’s freakin’ hilarious… you should try it some time.  It helps when everybody’s really drunk too… so we’re sitting around talking and lighting farts… imagine, you’re sitting in a circle having a drunken conversation with friends and every so often someone lights up a fart… chicks sometimes too… POOF… hilarious… freakin’ hilarious!

DOC:  That is very funny Steve… excellent work… you’ve done very well today… now, what I am going to do is… I am going to count down from ten again… and you will slowly come out of your sleep… 10… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… wake up now Steve.

ME:  Whoa… hey Doc… wow, that was crazy… I don’t remember anything… what happened?

DOC:  Well, I’ve learned quite a lot during this session… I think you may have some latent flatulatory neuroses… but in any case a few common themes kept arising during your stories, Steve… those being… well farts… potty humor… uhhh… drinking stories… and well I guess, maybe we can include pranks and jokes.  I also noticed most of your stories involved close family and friends.  So, I think when you are writing, you just need to revert back to some of those adolescent, juvenile things that you and your family and friends find funny… other people will probably find them funny as well.

ME:  Oh… well that’s pretty much what I am doing already.

DOC:  Well… just keep doing that.

ME:  But… but… you haven’t really solved my problem… I’m still finding it hard to be consistently funny… day after day after day.

DOC:  Well, Steve… if you’d like to come back for another session… I’d be happy to see you again… but today we are out of time… I have another patient waiting.

ME:  No… that’s okay… what do I owe you today.

DOC:  Today’s fee is $500.00. You can pay at the reception desk out in the lobby.

ME:  Five hundred frickin’ dollars?!?!?!?  Dude, that is totally NOT funny…

21 Comments

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21 responses to “The Therapist

  1. What is it about boys and farts? Girls just don’t find farts all that funny. Aside from that, you know your blogging buddies are happy to read un-funny stuff too – feel free to whine. complain and share things that will not cause us to wet our pants and snort coffee out of our noses : )

  2. That was freakin’ hilarious. I love the set-up, the memories, everything. My brother was a master fart-lighter. I’m a girl and not supposed to find that kind of thing funny, but we can get away with laughing at that sort of thing if it’s our brother who’s doing the pyrotechnics.

    BTW, if you’re having trouble being funny, you do a good job covering it up.

    • Thanks… I think its okay for girls to laugh at stuff like that… c’mon, it’s funny, right? I have been struggling recently to come up with posts, but nothing like a good fart joke to get things moving again!!

  3. I have always lived in a house full of men…yep, you find farts funny…girls, not so much, hahahahahah, but your post certainly cracked me up as always… :)

  4. Too Funny! Found you through a pretty redneck princess! Plan to keep stopping by!

  5. Very funny stuff, and of course I think farts are hilarious!

  6. They are hilarious… I’m sure you remember some of the old George Carlin monologues… lol!!

  7. I agree with the doctor.
    Ingenious the way you put all these pieces into one story.
    I remember when my son was small, anything to do with body functions or slapstick…made for days of giggles and endless retellings of the event.

  8. Personally, I find farts vile and reprehensible! Disgusting, even! Blech. I almost do them, either. That’s how committed i am to anti-fartism.

    I, too, lost my funny bone for several weeks, and just couldn’t conjure any feeling of funny up. But it’s slowly returning, this sense that life is worth laughing at, people are precious and worth riduculing. Specially when it’s at their expense. Never mine.

    Good luck with your therapy. Your therapist sucks, however. Just too serious. You should make him torch some farts and lighten the hell up. Then charge him for your expertise as a professional Fart-consultant.

  9. Never. I almost NEVER do them (pertaining to farts) that is.

  10. I think you can “hit a wall” while blogging…don’t worry…your “funny” will come back!

    Wendy

  11. Don’t worry, potty humor and drinking stories are alright by me. ;)

  12. Pingback: My Oprah Interview | The Brown Road Chronicles

  13. Girls can do you one better. Vagina farts. It happens. *shoulder shrug*

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