Getting Fu…Fu…Freshly Pressed!

WARNING… R RATED… JUST SAYIN’

I want to be Freshly Pressed!  I want to have my blog on the FRONT PAGE of WordPress.com, like some ROCK STAR on the Marquis at the Detroit Fox Theatre, lit up with neon and bright twinkling lights.  I want to get thousands of hits and comments and have screaming fans like the adolescent girls, pulling out their hair at a late-sixties Beatles concert… or a 2011 Jonas Brothers concert.  I want to be listed there, on the front page, along with the other ten or so FRESHLY PRESSED superstars getting repeatedly clicked, each click like the camera flashes at a celebrity press event!  That’s what I want…

A few weeks ago, when my blog was just starting to put its roots down, I e-mailed the editors at WordPress.com, introducing myself and inquiring about getting FRESHLY PRESSED.  I received a very nice and professional response from WordPress.com that included this line:

“Please note that “bad stuff” also includes offensive language, so unfortunately that would rule out several of your blog posts right off the bat.”

Wow, that fucking sucks is unfortunate!  Those three or four fine folks that have been actively reading my blog know that I occasionally emphasize my writing with some not-so-proper language.  I don’t swear nearly as much as Sara Swears a Lot but I do occasionally throw in a fuck or a shit improper word… you know just to add some exclamation for my loyal readers.  But, truth be told, I don’t really have a mouth like a trucker or a street whore call-girl or even a rum-soaked, shit-faced inebriated pirate.  I’m mostly a pretty clean-cut, respectable guy!  So I figured I’d at least introduce myself to the editors at WordPress.com.  Yeah, I know what your thinking, what are the chances of a fresh virgin rookie writer like myself getting noticed when I only had like four crappy-ass beginner articles on my site.  But I thought, well maybe it would be like that time when I was walking stupid-drunk responsibly through a casino in Vegas, pulled a quarter out of my pocket, jammed it in a slot machine like I was buying some peep-show-sex video at a truck stop porno shop with my fingers crossed and… YEAH BABY, HOT FUCKING DAMN gee whiz… hit like a hundred-dollar jackpot!   That day kicked some serious ass was really special.  Plus, in my e-mail I included a link to my article about finding the idyllic life, which at the time I thought was my best fucking, you’re gonna make a sweet-ass living as a writer most profound article.  Now, since I’ve been busier writing than a one-legged, in-bred redneck in an ass-kicking contest a professional author, I’m starting to think maybe my article about nasty goat shit being a farmer is my best article!  But regardless, a week or so later I received that very pleasant and professional response from WordPress.com.  I’ll be honest, I was totally like fall off the back of my fucking truck surprised astonished to hear back from someone.  No shit Seriously, I mean these poor mother-fuckers loyal WordPress.com employees probably get bombarded every day by douchebags promising writers like me, thinking they’re the next great J.D. Salinger, when their writing probably really sucks as bad as a nasty bitch stripper in a two-bit, run-down titty-bar isn’t that great   But it was a nice response and she gave me several links to articles on how to improve my blog’s readership.  They were some really helpful shit great articles and I’ve started to follow most of the points that were referenced and my readership is growing faster than a flock full of screwing rabbits bumping uglies in their rabbit hole ever.

So, now I don’t know what the fuck to do how to proceed.  If I keep using offensive language I may never live my dream of getting FRESHLY PRESSED.  And that would seriously suck some major ass be so very disappointing.

Editors, can I start over?

44 Comments

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44 responses to “Getting Fu…Fu…Freshly Pressed!

  1. I would freshly press you as quick as a heartbeat…. As long as you would freshly press me too!
    Xx

  2. That’s fucking hysterical!! Sorry, couldn’t resist. Very funny post. Loved it. :)

  3. That was great…very funny…I have wondered about that (what gets you in there)…kinda figured the language might have something on it. Started out thinking I was gonna use all those words you did because it’s me…I talk like that…but have been trying to stay away from it to get more notice! Great piece!…Jason

  4. Hilarious! Of course I don’t mind the link-age. :) This was a great post! I wanted to make ads off of my site, but they said excessive profanity was a no-no. Which is when I said they could shove it up their ass. Cuss words ALWAYS make stories better. Truth.

    And I would like to be a part of this fresh pressing. Rawr!

  5. I would Freshly Press you – Adult Edition :) Your blog is beter written and much more fun to read than many of the FP I see every day.
    I was Freshly Pressed in November. It was a wild week, with over 3000 visits that day. I gained a few loyal readers, lost a few a long the way. But the most fun I have had blogging is finding a blog I love ( like The Brown Road Chronicles) and commenting everyday. It’s like making new friends. This has been the best part about being a blogger. Being Freshly Pressed is over-rated.
    Cheers!

    • Brown Road Chronicles

      You’re right its not about FP, and I’m really not too concerned about it. It was just one of those posts that came roaring through my head on the way to work this morning! Its funny each day I think, what the hell am I gonna write about? Driving time seems to bring on the ideas!

  6. Don’t hate me, but I just made Freshly Pressed on Friday. I don’t know how or why but whoa, what a ride! You found my site, which led me to yours. I discovered that live near you; and I lived in an old house. Do you have pics up of your house? The other funny thing is that I swear. A LOT. Probably more than Saraswearsalot (I’m gonna check out her blog too). Maybe I need to poke around here a little more.

  7. Hey, you’re much too interesting to be Freshly Pressed. Seriously, those articles I see on there put me to sleep, but following the advice of a certain person here at wordpress (all of whose posts are really just ads to visit her site for even more advice) I would regularly go to freshly pressed when I started here and comment. Those people would comment back to me at my blog since we’re supposed to do that with each other like dogs sniffing each other’s asses but it made me realize that being Freshly Pressed may not really bring you READERS as much as it brings you other bloggers hoping you will reply to their comments by giving them a hit at their blog in return. Personally I prefer getting my stuff posted at places like Oddee, or Neatorama, Weird Universe, Daily Cognition and (probably your favorite) Found Shit. I get hundreds (some days thousands) of hits plus COMMENTS THAT ACTALLY REFER TO SPECIFIC ITEMS FROM MY BLOG POSTS instead of just generic “Love your blog! I am just starting and I learned a lot from your writing!” type of form comments.

    • Hey Balladeer, thanks for visiting and for the nice compliments. Honestly I am not too concerned about getting FP’d. It was just one of those posts that hit me on the way to work one morning and I was laughing my ass off in the car as I was brainstorming the ideas. Figured it wouldn’t get me FP’d but would probably get some laughs! Loved your line about dogs sniffing asses… now that made ME laugh! But that’s so true! I don’t know those sites you mentioned but I will take a look.

  8. this was the best thing i’ve read in a long time. funny. i feel the same. i write poetry that gets off the appropriate side sometimes so my hopes are shot down. but this deserves to be freshly pressed.

  9. portlandsfunnygirl

    Definitely made me chuckle. ^_^ But I agree with Balladeer a little bit up there, it’s very rare to see an article on the Freshly Pressed that I actually find interesting. Sure, maybe one every now and then, like one about a woman struggling to find her Jewish acceptance… that was interesting. But for the most part, they’re all just BLAH! Besides, it’s much more fun to HUNT for good blogs instead of them being force fed to you on a homepage. That way when you find a really good article, like this one, you feel like you found a gem and have to link it up to people you know or in your blog. Which in turn helps everyone out when you think of it. So fuck caring what some politically correct nerds (who woulda thought right?) care what’s good enough for the homepage. :) Keep up with the blogging, yoru a great writer~!

  10. Yes, I like the hunting for interesting blogs too. It just takes SO much time, so I struggle to balance time writing vs. time surfing the blog world. I haven’t found much on FP that I really thought was knock-out either, a few though. Thanks for visiting!

  11. With every game, there are rules. I guess WP needs to keep the FP clean for all ages of readers. That aside, this post is hilarious, even though it came from a sore note. I think I will subscribe to your blog, keep the giggles flowin’!

    • Hi Chef, yeah WordPress needs to and really should try keep it clean. I don’t have any problem with that! Honestly, it was just a funny post that came to me one morning while driving to work. I still hope to get “pressed” someday, maybe on one of my cleaner posts. Thanks for visiting and subscribing!

  12. Pingback: BOOBS | The Brown Road Chronicles

  13. Ah, so much for me getting freshly pressed, then! I just had to have “shit” in the title of my blog. I kind of prefer the occasional curse word, though, so screw it.

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  15. another great post keep it up, just as well i subscribed week’s ago, i don’t know how you think the post’s up

  16. I’ve never figured I would be considered for Freshly Pressed. Foreign (i.e. not American or Canadian), controversial topic in some quarters on several levels, strange pixelated photos, close to insane writing at times………..

    Look at it this way: we are the “cool kids” who don’t conform!!

  17. I agree about FP. I mean, who are the up-tight D-bags who pick those losers, anyway?

    Um, where exactly did you send that inquiry about getting FP? You know, so I don’t “accidentally” send them a note, begging to be Freshly Pressed, or anything like that. :-)

  18. Over-using swear words can be quite tasteless, but i can’t understand those people who are so against them being used at all. Supposedly it demonstrates limited vocabulary. Well there doesnt seem to be anything wrong with the depth of your vocabulary so i say keep them in!

  19. LOL…I came across this when looking for information on how to be on the front page too. I like yours much better than most of those blogs anyway. Thanks for the laughter. I’d like to subscribe to your blog and put a link on mine. Feel free to stop by to mine too. And fuck with WordPress and their rules. Write what you want to write. Create your own fans without the help of Freshly Pressed.

  20. One of the FP posts has the F Bomb in it today. Thought you’d want to know. :-)

    http://magnoliaforever.wordpress.com/2011/05/16/ten-great-indie-comedies-you-must-see/

  21. Nevermind FP, you have one of Harold’s custom woodcarvings. That makes you special.

  22. Enjoy the blog.

    It is disappointing that they would nix articles from getting “freshly pressed” because they are adult oriented. The most interesting blogs I’ve come across are as true to life as you can get with the written word and life is rarely g-rated. It’s disappointing.

    • Hello Hinesy, thanks for visiting. I have to say I do understand their rule about keeping their front page clean. You have to appeal to the wider audience I guess which makes sense. I’m just glad they let me have a space here to write stuff though, whether its G or R-rated!

  23. freshly pressed is full of “nice blogs” i’ll never get on it either, they should start one called something else for other blogs.

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  25. The WordPress editors are hypocrites. They press all kinds of “bad” stuff. They’ve pressed stuff that was inflammatory, racist, profane, etc. The press stuff with uncredited images. And they press too much stuff for no other reason than that it shamelessly plugs WordPress.

    What they don’t press (at least in the 4 months that I’ve been reading it every day) is fiction. The only time the tag came up, it was a non-fiction article about writing fiction.

  26. I LOVE this. Lately I’ve been obsessing about the freshly pressed thing, and then I find out about the language issue. Honestly, I don’t curse that often in real life, but lately I’ve been covering 50 Shades and foul language is absolutely mandatory for this. My other posts aren’t so bad. Maybe the word press gods will notice them, and not the ones with the dirty words. By the way, while I know some really awesome bloggers who have been freshly pressed, have you noticed that some of the blogs they pick are, um, boring as hell? Maybe it’s just me?

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